You wake up, go to work, come home late and stressed, eat dinner, go to bed, can’t sleep, and REPEAT.
Life is a routine of misery with hints and glimpses of happiness.
It is the same thing Over and Over and OVER again. Every. Single. Day.
Are we just living to feel those few moments of happiness?
I for one feel I am more down than I am happy, but when I am happy it is the best high I ever felt, but like any high it only lasts for a few days, maybe a few weeks, but it’s never constant and I hate that.
I hate feeling this way ALL the time.
I hate feeling that no matter how hard you try to be normal and live a normal life (whatever that is anyways) it will never happen. You/I always end up in the same place.
Wanting to be happy. Wanting the darkness to go away. Wanting more. Wanting to be …..
Not stuck in the same routine of miserable life with bad things happening, only confirming how you feel.
So again. What is life? Is there more to it? or am I so deep in this hole that I am losing faith?
Sometimes I feel that I am indebted to people. I guess it’s the loyalty in me. I felt indebted when someone decided to be my friend, when they knew how crazy certain things in my household were. I never knew why anyone wanted to be around anyone that had all that “drama” (not that I could have helped any of it). Regardless, it made me feel so happy to know that someone still wanted me around.
I felt indebted when someone wanted to be with me, because I felt that they could be with anyone in the world and they chose me for a reason. How lucky was I, right? It is definitely not luck when your loyalty makes you stick around because you feel that you will never be able to find someone else, so you tolerate all the bad.
I felt indebted when someone got me a job. It was one of the worst times in my life (mentally) and I hated my job at the time. This “angel” came along and offered me a job, that at the moment felt like a life line, so I became indebted to them. I was so grateful and I didn’t know how I could ever repay them and I spent most of my time trying.
But now I’m done.
I found friends that love me, for me. They don’t make me feel like I have to feel lucky to have them but they make me feel like, THEY are lucky to have me. They really love me and there is never any question or doubt about it. I don’t have to try hard, I don’t have to wonder. I just have to be me and that’s enough.
I found a boyfriend who loves me to the moon and back. He also makes me feel like I have made his life better since I came around and I am the only one that truly knows him. I feel the same way of course. He makes me a better person, a better human and as much as I love him; I never feel indebted to him. Our relationship was built on love and not insecurities that eventually feel like transactions. We are with each other because we are each other’s person and it feels amazing.
I have given up on repaying my debt when it comes to this “angel”. I proved myself and worked my ass off. I DESERVED that job; and yes, someone helped me get in. But it was ME that kept it because of how much of a hard worker I am. It is enough with letting this person string me like a puppet. Making me feel like I am no longer needed and no longer worth speaking to because they are on to a new “project”. It is enough with letting them think that they are better than me. It is enough letting them think they “saved me”. It is enough letting them think that I am lost without them.
Most of all, it is enough with me trying to repay debt that should have never been debt in the first place. It should have been just because…..
I am learning and growing. But I know that over time I will become the best version of myself and no one will ever make me question who I am or make me feel like I have to be a certain way to get them to like me.
This new year I want to practice self love. I want to see the good in myself and believe in myself more. I honestly don’t give myself enough credit with anything that I do and it’s not fair.
I am a freaking awesome person and I tend to forget that. I let how people treat me shape the way I see myself, when in reality I should be using that as ammo and confirmation that they don’t matter and I do!
New Year Goals:
Worry less about what others think.
Don’t go over the top for people that don’t matter.
Don’t let WORK stress me. It’s just work, it isn’t my life.
I have recently been toying with the idea on whether or not I should put myself out there create content on decor.
I honestly never thought that I was passionate about anything, until recent turn of events. Thanks to my supportive family, friends, and boyfriend, they have pushed me to consider the idea. I have always loved decorating houses, parties, doing DIY projects and most of all taking photos of places that I have traveled to or just things that seem beautiful to me. As Joe says, “You have the eye”.
I guess I never saw these things as “passion”, but as things that every body is interested in, no?
Anyways, with that being said…..
I have officially launched my other blog, where I will talk and post about home decor, party decor, travel, and my house remodel. It may not go any where (or it may) but regardless, I am staying focused on the fact, that I did it, and regardless of what happens, I will have FUN doing it because it makes me HAPPY and that’s all that matters.
If you guys are interested, view my new blog listed below! It is still in the works but happy to share any content :).
I thought I was getting better. But can I ever get better or is this who I am?
Is this me?
I thought I was finally on a path where I could manage my emotions. Manage my thoughts. Manage my life.
I thought I was finally in control.
I guess that’s the problem with mental health, it makes you see things or feel things that aren’t there.
For a second I actually believed that I could be like everyone else.
Feel things when I’m “supposed to”, cry when I “need” to and be angry when I “have” to. Not just explode with random emotions for no reason just because it’s how I am feeling in the moment and I never know why.
For a second I thought I was in control.
But truth is I will never be in control.
I will never be normal.
I will always feel things a bit more deeper than others, think things a bit more in depth than others, spiral a bit more than others.
Truth is I will always feel like there is something wrong with me. I will never feel normal like everyone else.
I will always be that person that needs to work a bit harder to control my thoughts and emotions or else I will go downhill in a matter of seconds.
I really don’t know how we got to where we are now.
Everything has changed; I have changed.
I’m so angry and bitter.
I’m so sad and heartbroken.
What matters does not matter because I am so fixated on all the negative that I am losing sight of what really matters; US.
Being with you has turned me into this person that I do not like; a person that I hate.
The problem is, that these feelings aren’t occurring because of you, per se, but it’s because of the people that you love.
I know we protect the ones that we love the most, but to what extent?
To what extent do we keep allowing the ones we love, to disrespect and hurt the one we love?
When do we decide enough is enough?
When do we take a step back and see what is really going on and put ourselves in our loves shoes, to really feel all the pain they are going through?
You think I’m miserable, fixated, angry, and delusional; But have you ever took a step back and really looked at me, and how happy, funny, intact, and fun I actually am when I am surrounded by people that genuinely love me and want to see me happy?
Or do you just focus on how I am, after 3 1/2 years of dealing and tolerating with unwanted drama and disrespect?
I know you say that you are not to blame, but if it were the other way around, wouldn’t I be the one to blame?
Wouldn’t it be my duty as your partner to make sure that the ones I love are respecting and honoring the one, I love?
Or would it not be my fault since I am not the one committing these actions? but of course, I will understand where you are coming from and how you feel, but I still want you to be around the people that have hurt you the most on MULTIPLE occasions and I wont confront them because I am too afraid of the outcome.
After all, these are the people closest to me and I love them dearly. I don’t want them to hurt with what I have to say and plus, I know they will make excuses and nothing will change. So why bother?
Is that what you would want from me? The bare minimum?
Or would you want me to fight!? Fight for our love and happiness.
Would you want me to prove to you that I love you more than anything and I would never let anyone disrespect you, because them disrespecting you is disrespecting me, and I will not allow it.
I will not allow for you to feel like you do not matter when you mean the world to me.
I will not allow you to cry because someone that I love has hurt your feelings, when all you try to do is get them to love you too.
I will not allow for anyone to make you feel less than or unimportant because it would break my heart knowing that the ones I love, and claim to love me right back, are doing this to you with no remorse or care.
If they really loved me wouldn’t they back off and do anything for me, which means do anything for you?
I thought that’s how love worked.
I thought we do anything possible to see the ones we love happy, even if it means making certain sacrifices.
I mean is that not what I have been doing for you all these years? Sacrificing my happiness for yours? Sacrificing how I feel for the people you love? Sacrificing my heart and soul just to show you that I love you?
Only in return, to be filled with hate and anger.
Only to feel, alone and hurt.
Only to allow this heinous cycle to continue, with no consequence.
Is that not enough?
Or do you prefer for me to shrivel and wither away? until I have nothing left to give, until IAMNOTHING.