Back Again….

It’s sad to say that I call myself a writer and I haven’t written in over a year. I always say that my best writings are when I’m sad and I can’t seem to write anything good when I’m happy, which is exactly what I have been happy.

I met a prince, fell in love and lived happily ever after! Im totally just kidding ha! But! I DID meet MY prince and I am in love and I am living happily.

I no longer go on wondering every single day when will be the day that someone will look at me and finally SEE me; when will they finally love me.

I have it all.

But still;

I wake up every single morning wondering what is wrong with me? I wonder why my mind can’t stop working for one second and just not think of anything.

I wake up every single morning terrified that maybe he will change his mind and leave.

I wake up every single morning wondering if I am good enough because I don’t feel like I am.

All everyone tells me is “You’re young and beautiful, you have it all; BE HAPPY

But I am aren’t I?

I am happy but I’m also terrified of the unknown. I am terrified of not knowing what will happen in the future.

I have no control and it kills me.

I wake up every single morning with my heart pounding out of my chest, unable to breathe; anticipating that something bad is going to happen.

That’s all I do. I sit and wait; sit and anticipate the unknown.

Just waiting….

Waiting for IT to happen; But what exactly is IT?

Well I guess you can never really run from it, because here it is.

It’s back again.


Moving on

I’ve spent most of life focused on the past; What I didn’t do, What I could have done and most of all; all the bad things I have been through. I sit and fixate on one thing that has gone wrong and break it down into other little things, until it turns into hundred things that are wrong with my life, when in reality NOTHING is wrong.

I sit and think of all the people that have walked out of my life and blame myself, when it’s a two way street. I’m the type of person that fights until I have no fight left in me. I don’t give up on the things and people I love, I’m always trying to fix things that can no longer be repaired.

I’m done doing that.

I’m done being stuck in the past and done missing people that obviously don’t miss me. I have so many wonderful things in my life and so much to look forward to in the future. God has blessed me with the most beautiful niece/goddaughter anyone could have asked for, an amazing family, great friends, and a wonderful boyfriend who loves me like no one ever has. I am HAPPY.

My life isn’t perfect and it will never be but that’s the reality of LIFE. 

In this very moment I am where I want and need to be.

Me finally moving on and letting go of the past doesn’t mean that I give up, it just means that I am finally focusing on what truly matters and the people that matter.

So cheers to new beginnings.

Goodbye to all the bad vibes

Hello to all the wonderful things coming my way.

I know…..

We live in a generation where “love” has lost it’s meaning entirely. Where “I love you” is used to keep someone around because we think we are about to lose them. Where we say it back because the other person has already said it to you.

We use the word “love” to reassure someone that you really DO care about them because what stronger feeling is there than love? Right? We are blinded by society’s “definition” of love that we don’t know what it is.

Is it a chemical reaction in the brain that causes us to feel this way? Or is it something much deeper; much soulful than that?

I for one can honestly tell you I have NO idea what love is . I don’t know if I have ever felt it or if I have just felt some feelings of it; but I DO know, that love is the most powerful thing in this world. Love makes people do crazy things and act a way you could never imagine.

Maybe that’s why I love love.

I love the person it makes people become, whether if it IS slightly crazy; but regardless of the fact, it makes you into a better person. When asked about someone you love, you get that glimmer in your eyes and a smile that you cannot see or notice but the whole world can. To know that you love someone and have them love you back just as much, is the greatest feeling in this world.

We forget the meaning because we think we will never find it. I am guilty of this as well, but truth is, love has NO definition.

Love is just love.

You can’t explain it, you can’t describe it, you just feel it ; and although you have never felt something quite like it  before, you just know that it’s love.

You know you want to be with that person and spend the rest of your life with them. Even if you guys aren’t perfect, because love never is. You know they are the one.

The feeling may come all at once or it may take it’s time, but when it comes you’ll know. You’ll know that what you have been searching for is finally right in front of your face and that you are blessed. More than blessed to have someone as amazing as them in your life.

It won’t be easy, but nothing worth it ever is and no feeling will ever compare to it. When asked about it, you won’t know how to explain it; but you’ll respond by saying “I know”, because truth is;

DO know……..

This one’s for you.

This one’s for you because you changed my mind.

This one’s for you because you proved me wrong.

This one’s for you because you made the impossible, possible.

This one’s for you because I think you are special.

This one’s for you because I want to thank you.

On many occasions I have been told that my writing is sad, dark, and quite depressing; but this one is different because, This one’s for you.

I never realized all that you were doing, never realized the love that you had for me and how real it was. I always thought that I was forgotten, the one you did not care for, the one you did not love; but I was wrong.

All these years, all the pain, all the sadness, all the looking; and here you are.

I finally see you like I never have before.

You have showed me that every single bad thing was for a reason. Every tear drop I’ve cried, Every sad song I’ve sang, Every heartbreak I’ve had to mend, it was all for this; for this moment right here.

The moment that I realize that the answers I so desperately was seeking was right in front of me the whole time. The key was not to look and find, but to wait patiently and discover; Discover the true meaning of it all.

The true meaning of life; the true meaning of my life.

So thank you;

Thank you for helping me grow,

Thank you for all  the pain and heartache,

Thank you for bringing me my answer,

Thank you for him;

Because this is not another sad story but this is the beginning; the beginning of yet another story;

So this one’s for you.

Stupid, stupid girl 

You stupid, stupid girl; did you actually think he was into you? 

You stupid, stupid girl; did you think it was finally your time? Your time to be happy? 

You stupid, stupid girl; did you really think you were different? Different from the rest of them?

You stupid, stupid girl; did you really think you could change him? Change the way he sees you, along with the rest of the world?

You stupid, stupid girl; when will you learn? Learn that you just aren’t meant to be loved

You stupid, stupid girl; didn’t you know that happy endings don’t exist? Not even in our dreams

You stupid, stupid girl; how long will it take you to realize that the love you so desperately want; will NEVER be given. 

The Broken Promise

“I promise, I’ll never leave you”

“I promise, everything will be okay”

“I promise, I won’t hurt you”

“I promise, I won’t disappear again”

“I promise, you have nothing to worry about”

“I pinky promise


All these promises; nothing but broken promises.

We all live by a promise that we hope will be true. We hope that the promise made to us; swore to us, will be the promise to make everything okay.

Each and every one of us has made or has had someone promise them something that they could not keep. Whether if it’s promising to call someone back or making a promise to reassure someone of something we simply do not know the answers to.

The thought of having a promise is better than facing reality; facing the truth in knowing that what we so desperately have been hoping for will never happen; but yet we put the actuality of our thoughts to the side because what’s better than holding on to false hope?

I have always been someone to take promises very serious. When I promised something it was because deep down in my heart I really meant it, but sometimes things happen; LIFE happens and distracts us from keeping our word, or maybe that’s just an excuse.

I no longer believe in promises because I know they are just fabricated lies meant to make me feel better at the time.

The words “I promise”  have lost their sentimental value and they no longer have any meaning to me.

I refuse to let a broken promise control my thoughts, control the truth that I already know; I refuse to let a broken promise control ME; and you shouldn’t either.

Stop making people promise you things that you know they can’t keep.

Stop holding on to something that you know will never occur.

Let go and let god.

Let things JUST happen.

Let life take you where you need to be and let the people that truly care, show you with their pure actions that you can trust them.

Let go of that broken promise we all have in our hearts and let it set us free.

Let promises mean and be nothing more than just; a broken promise.


You, I; Us

We all have had that one person that we thought we can help change; help become a better person, but in attempts of doing so, we, you; have lost myself.

Many of us believe that when we truly love someone we will stick with them no matter what. We will stick with them when things get rough. We will stick with them when they are going through the worst of times, and we will stick with them when they treat us like a worthless piece of garbage.

Life and love isn’t about making yourself and your self worth any less because you have come across someone that is complicated and needs a push in the right direction.

Someone comes along whom we see potential in. We become so intrigued and fascinated, that all of a sudden it begins to consume our mind; our body and our soul. We can’t think straight and we have lost all focus on what is really important; WHO is really important. You, I; US.

More than ever we want to show them that we are worth it; we are worthy of their love and no matter how much they push us away and say all these hurtful things to us, it doesn’t matter because we know they do not mean it and that deep, deep down inside they truly care about us.

They are so insecure with themselves and their own life, that they choose to prey on our vulnerabilities and sense of caring. They feed off our positive energy and become motivated to destroy it, to destroy us and who we are.

But we allow this when we willingly tolerate their ruthless behavior and disrespect. We allow the negativity into our lives when we let them in. We allow them to suck the energy and all the goodness that we have so preciously took the time to invest in ourselves; for what?

To help them? To help someone that doesn’t want to be helped? Showing them that their behavior is okay and anyone will deal with it.

NO man or woman that truly cares and loves you will ever, try to intentionally hurt you. They will not sit there and tell you all these things that make you question yourself, make you question if you are worth it or not,

because darling; you are worth it.

WE are all worth it.

I am worth it.

It doesn’t matter how much we care about someone or how much we can see them in our future if they were to just change that one thing, which is by far the biggest thing about themselves.

People don’t change, they just become better at hiding their flaws.

Sometimes the best thing is, letting go. 

Letting go because we know that no matter how hard we try, they will never be happy with us because they can never be happy with themselves.

Letting go because we love them, and loving them enough to know that we have to.

And letting go because we love ourselves and will not stand for the pain inflicted upon us.

That’s love; Not perfect love, but realistic love.

Love for yourself.

Love for ourselves .

Love, for myself.