Lost

I never write for others to read what I have to say; I write to get lost in my own words.

My entire life has consisted of me trying to find myself, trying to find the girl that I so desperately want to become. I search and search but I continue on going in the wrong direction.

I continue on being lost.

On my journey I come across some incredible people and some people that are as malicious as they come, but I do not allow that to stop me. Every person that I cross paths with whether it be good or bad ; I learn a lesson out of. I learn something new about myself, I find my strengths and my weaknesses.

Everyday I get closer and closer to my final destination, but I can’t help but feel lost. I can’t help but feel like something is missing in my life.

The more I find myself the more lost I become. Does that even make sense?

I feel that people in this world are okay with just being content with their lives but that’s not enough for me. I need  to be purely and immensely happy. I need to be so happy that it consumes me; consumes my life and the way I think and feel.

I’m lost and I don’t know which way to go. I have tried everything possible but I end up in the same place; here, in front of my computer writing about my feelings.

I’m searching for something that probably does not exist or never will; Something I probably will never find.

I feel I am so close though, I can feel it. I don’t want to give up, not yet, not ever.

I don’t believe god put us on this earth to work, stress out,and die. There has to be a greater purpose. There IS a greater purpose.

I don’t know what I’m looking for anymore, but I do know that when I find it it will bring me the greatest joy in the world and I’ll know that this was what I was searching for my whole life; I’ll no longer feel lost and all the searching would have not been for nothing, but for everything.

But what If I never find it? and live my entire life, Lost.

Always lost;

Forever Lost.

The darkness

There’s no light.There’s no way out.

I can’t see.

I can’t breathe.

I can’t escape.

All around me is nothing but darkness.

Everywhere I go you are there, waiting for me; waiting to grab me and pull me into you. I try my best to not let you consume me, but you are a part of me.

You are my worst enemy.

Just when I think I am close to the end, close to touching the light; you pop up. You don’t want to let me go because you need me, but you are destroying my life. You are destroying me.

Anxiety why do you do this to me?

Why do you deceive me by letting me think that you are finally gone and then show up when I am genuinely happy?

Why can’t I escape you? I try living with you but you continue on crossing boundaries. You keep on appearing where you are not wanted.

Can’t you see that you are nothing but an intruder and that I don’t want you here. I don’t want you pulling me back in, I don’t want you in my life.

I don’t want you to define me.

I’m tired of trying to hide, because I am afraid that you will show yourself to the people that I love. I’m afraid of what they’ll think, afraid of them leaving because of you.

This is what you do, you show yourself and make everyone run. They never stay, they always run, they always leave.

It’s like you are obsessed with me and can’t let go.

You make me feel crazy.

You get in my head and make me see things that aren’t there; Things that will never be there. Things that you make up in my head because you want me to yourself.

All you do is make me feel alone and keep me enclosed from the world because I don’t want anyone to see you. I don’t want anyone to know you exist.

I can’t let anyone know you exist.

I will never be at peace for as long as you live in me, and to be honest I don’t think you will ever leave until you become me.

I will die in the darkness.

I will die with you trying to control me forever.

But I will NEVER let you kill me.

Lucky, Unlucky 13

Life is as lucky and unlucky as you make it. I have always lived my life saying that I am the most unluckiest person in the world; When In reality I just might be the luckiest in my world. What’s lucky for others may not be lucky for you and what’s unlucky for others may not be unlucky for you. Life is a gamble and it’s about taking risks, risks at trying to have it all, risks at trying to be on top, risks at being happy. But how many of us are really willing to give something up in order to have what we have truly always desired? Follow me on my journey and maybe, just maybe you’ll learn how being unlucky has made my life the luckiest of all. 

Luckyunlucky13