Black and White

Sometimes I feel like I feel things too deeply or I feel nothing at all. There is no in between. There is no grey. It’s just black and white for me. I feel like I have moments where my heart is so big and filled with love that I don’t know how It got there; and other times it feels like someone is squeezing on my heart so tight and hard just waiting for it to explode.

I can’t breathe and I’m in pain.

Pure pain.

Sometimes I feel like I’m crazy. Either crazy in love or crazy in my head.

I know I was born this way and there’s no way to change or “snap out of it” how a lot of people say, but I know that I can try to control it, which is the hardest task of them all.

I have to control my emotions more than others because when I lose control I’m a mad woman. I have to control my words. My thoughts. My heart.

I have to control my life.

I feel like I’m a child that has to be trained. Trained to be normal. I take one step forward and 100 steps back.

The hardest part of it all are the people that love me that take advantage of it. I’m either too mean or too weak.

I can’t win.

They don’t get it. You don’t get it. No one gets it. Not even myself.

I’m stuck in between. In between my emotions and my head.

Stuck in between of my own world.

Stuck in between black and white.

Now can you imagine how pitch black must feel?

The reason

We are all living our life looking for a meaning.

Looking for a meaning beyond working, paying bills, and then dying. We want to make our life significant, different; extraordinary. 

We want that reason to LIVE.

Well you are that to me.

I too have lived a quarter of a century trying to figure out why I was put on this earth and what was my purpose. I focused so much on the future and not having enough “time” that I often forgot to live in the present and enjoy all the good things that were happening to me.

I no longer am that way.

The moment you came into my life it has been such a blessing. I no longer look at the time on a Sunday night anxious, because Monday is right around the corner.  Time freezes and all stops; nothing matters but us.

It’s just you and I, in our bubble.

I no longer get that wave of emotion and confusion when I think about what comes after death; because I feel like we have forever until that time comes.

Whenever I doubt myself, or I feel like I am lost; I can look to you and you build me up. You make me believe in myself when I don’t believe in me, and you love me even when I hate me.

You are the reason for my happiness and the reason that I just don’t care about what comes next, because I am too happy enjoying what I have in front of me. Too happy to let my inner fears take over. Too happy that I just want to let things; BE.

You are the reason for this all. You are the reason for all the good and the bad that has ever happened to me, because it was meant to lead me to you.

Life was meant to be lived; with you.

You are the reason.

You are MY reason.