Sometimes I feel that I am indebted to people. I guess it’s the loyalty in me. I felt indebted when someone decided to be my friend, when they knew how crazy certain things in my household were. I never knew why anyone wanted to be around anyone that had all that “drama” (not that I could have helped any of it). Regardless, it made me feel so happy to know that someone still wanted me around.
I felt indebted when someone wanted to be with me, because I felt that they could be with anyone in the world and they chose me for a reason. How lucky was I, right? It is definitely not luck when your loyalty makes you stick around because you feel that you will never be able to find someone else, so you tolerate all the bad.
I felt indebted when someone got me a job. It was one of the worst times in my life (mentally) and I hated my job at the time. This “angel” came along and offered me a job, that at the moment felt like a life line, so I became indebted to them. I was so grateful and I didn’t know how I could ever repay them and I spent most of my time trying.
But now I’m done.
I found friends that love me, for me. They don’t make me feel like I have to feel lucky to have them but they make me feel like, THEY are lucky to have me. They really love me and there is never any question or doubt about it. I don’t have to try hard, I don’t have to wonder. I just have to be me and that’s enough.
I found a boyfriend who loves me to the moon and back. He also makes me feel like I have made his life better since I came around and I am the only one that truly knows him. I feel the same way of course. He makes me a better person, a better human and as much as I love him; I never feel indebted to him. Our relationship was built on love and not insecurities that eventually feel like transactions. We are with each other because we are each other’s person and it feels amazing.
I have given up on repaying my debt when it comes to this “angel”. I proved myself and worked my ass off. I DESERVED that job; and yes, someone helped me get in. But it was ME that kept it because of how much of a hard worker I am. It is enough with letting this person string me like a puppet. Making me feel like I am no longer needed and no longer worth speaking to because they are on to a new “project”. It is enough with letting them think that they are better than me. It is enough letting them think they “saved me”. It is enough letting them think that I am lost without them.
Most of all, it is enough with me trying to repay debt that should have never been debt in the first place. It should have been just because…..
I am learning and growing. But I know that over time I will become the best version of myself and no one will ever make me question who I am or make me feel like I have to be a certain way to get them to like me.