Love, Peace, and Happiness

Sometimes I just want to disappear.

I want to get away from everyone and everything. Every single person that makes me feel like my presence does not matter. Every single person that always makes me feel like a piece of crap. Every single person that makes me think terrible things.

I don’t want to be here anymore.

I’m so sick and tired of feeling misunderstood.

I just want to close my eyes and end up somewhere else.

Alone.

Alone in a beautiful small beach town; living in a small cottage. I’ll ride my bike to work, with the view of the beach to the left of me, as I head into work and the view of the beach to the right of me, as I go home.

My job will be a small little shop with all of my photography. Tourists will come in and be fascinated with the place that I call home and will stop and stare in awe, at all of my art work.

I wont have to deal with anyone that stresses me or makes me feel sad. I wont have anyone making me feel like I’m not good enough, like I’m unworthy.

I wont have anxiety and I wont have depression.

I’ll be a new person. Someone that I’ll actually like and love.

I’ll be happy.

Happy with my life; happy with me.

I’ll live my best life.

No pain.

No regrets.

No disappointment.

Just love, peace, and happiness.

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Worthy

Am I worthy?

Am I worthy of you? worthy of him? worthy of this life?

Am I worthy to have you love me ever so deeply and look at me to protect you, to love you back?

Am I worthy of your love for me? or will I just disappoint you the way I constantly disappoint myself?

Will I be punished for the sins I have committed or will God see it in his heart to forgive me the way I haven’t, the way I don’t think I ever can?

Will you forgive me for my sins or will you hate me and the person that I’ve become?

Will you love me even then? Love me through it all?

Will you still want me to protect you and look after you?

Love you?

Can I be worthy?

Can I be worthy of you? Worthy of him? Worthy of this life?

Can I be worthy to have you love me ever so deeply and look at me to protect you, to love you back?

Can I be worthy of your love for me? or will I just disappoint you the way I constantly disappoint myself?

Will I ever be worthy?

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Dear Mom….

Dear Mom,

Growing up I never understood why you did the things you did. I never understood why you were the way you were and I never fully understood your love for me.

26 years later; and I understand it all.

You are not only my mother, but you are the best friend I could have ever asked for and I could not be more thankful for that.

You have taught me to always be kind, and always be the bigger person no matter how hard it may be.

You have taught me to fully love and let myself be loved because that’s what I deserve.

You have taught me to respect and if I want respect, I have to give it. To give people chances and the benefit of doubt, but to NEVER allow anyone to make me feel less than.

Most of all you have taught me to be STRONG and INDEPENDENT.  To always stand up for what I believe in, stand up for what I feel is good and what I feel is wrong.

To have my own voice and always say what I feel.  Never depend on anyone, no matter what. I may want someone, but I will never NEED them.

I know that all these years we haven’t seen eye to eye, but now I know that you were preparing me for LIFE, and all that comes with it; the hardships and the pain, but also the love and joy that I will experience.

You were giving me lessons that I can always keep and continue to learn from, and eventually teach my kids when I become a mother.

You are teaching me how to be a phenomenal mother; like you.

Mom, I now understand why you did the things you did. I understand why you are the way you are and I FULLY understand your love for me.

Now, and for the next 26 plus years, I will do the same for you.

Thank you for being the most amazing mother and grandmother, and for always showing the five of us what true love is.

I look forward to one day, giving you grandchildren (like you keep asking me to) and have them learn like we all did, from the best mother and grandmother there is.

I love you Mommy, more than anything in this world. Thank you for it all, but most of all, thank you for making me; ME.

Love,

Forever & Always; Your oldest (but always your baby) daughter

Bubu

Black and White

Sometimes I feel like I feel things too deeply or I feel nothing at all. There is no in between. There is no grey. It’s just black and white for me. I feel like I have moments where my heart is so big and filled with love that I don’t know how It got there; and other times it feels like someone is squeezing on my heart so tight and hard just waiting for it to explode.

I can’t breathe and I’m in pain.

Pure pain.

Sometimes I feel like I’m crazy. Either crazy in love or crazy in my head.

I know I was born this way and there’s no way to change or “snap out of it” how a lot of people say, but I know that I can try to control it, which is the hardest task of them all.

I have to control my emotions more than others because when I lose control I’m a mad woman. I have to control my words. My thoughts. My heart.

I have to control my life.

I feel like I’m a child that has to be trained. Trained to be normal. I take one step forward and 100 steps back.

The hardest part of it all are the people that love me that take advantage of it. I’m either too mean or too weak.

I can’t win.

They don’t get it. You don’t get it. No one gets it. Not even myself.

I’m stuck in between. In between my emotions and my head.

Stuck in between of my own world.

Stuck in between black and white.

Now can you imagine how pitch black must feel?

The reason

We are all living our life looking for a meaning.

Looking for a meaning beyond working, paying bills, and then dying. We want to make our life significant, different; extraordinary. 

We want that reason to LIVE.

Well you are that to me.

I too have lived a quarter of a century trying to figure out why I was put on this earth and what was my purpose. I focused so much on the future and not having enough “time” that I often forgot to live in the present and enjoy all the good things that were happening to me.

I no longer am that way.

The moment you came into my life it has been such a blessing. I no longer look at the time on a Sunday night anxious, because Monday is right around the corner.  Time freezes and all stops; nothing matters but us.

It’s just you and I, in our bubble.

I no longer get that wave of emotion and confusion when I think about what comes after death; because I feel like we have forever until that time comes.

Whenever I doubt myself, or I feel like I am lost; I can look to you and you build me up. You make me believe in myself when I don’t believe in me, and you love me even when I hate me.

You are the reason for my happiness and the reason that I just don’t care about what comes next, because I am too happy enjoying what I have in front of me. Too happy to let my inner fears take over. Too happy that I just want to let things; BE.

You are the reason for this all. You are the reason for all the good and the bad that has ever happened to me, because it was meant to lead me to you.

Life was meant to be lived; with you.

You are the reason.

You are MY reason.

Back Again….

It’s sad to say that I call myself a writer and I haven’t written in over a year. I always say that my best writings are when I’m sad and I can’t seem to write anything good when I’m happy, which is exactly what I have been happy.

I met a prince, fell in love and lived happily ever after! Im totally just kidding ha! But! I DID meet MY prince and I am in love and I am living happily.

I no longer go on wondering every single day when will be the day that someone will look at me and finally SEE me; when will they finally love me.

I have it all.

But still;

I wake up every single morning wondering what is wrong with me? I wonder why my mind can’t stop working for one second and just not think of anything.

I wake up every single morning terrified that maybe he will change his mind and leave.

I wake up every single morning wondering if I am good enough because I don’t feel like I am.

All everyone tells me is “You’re young and beautiful, you have it all; BE HAPPY

But I am aren’t I?

I am happy but I’m also terrified of the unknown. I am terrified of not knowing what will happen in the future.

I have no control and it kills me.

I wake up every single morning with my heart pounding out of my chest, unable to breathe; anticipating that something bad is going to happen.

That’s all I do. I sit and wait; sit and anticipate the unknown.

Just waiting….

Waiting for IT to happen; But what exactly is IT?

Well I guess you can never really run from it, because here it is.

It’s back again.

Moving on

I’ve spent most of life focused on the past; What I didn’t do, What I could have done and most of all; all the bad things I have been through. I sit and fixate on one thing that has gone wrong and break it down into other little things, until it turns into hundred things that are wrong with my life, when in reality NOTHING is wrong.

I sit and think of all the people that have walked out of my life and blame myself, when it’s a two way street. I’m the type of person that fights until I have no fight left in me. I don’t give up on the things and people I love, I’m always trying to fix things that can no longer be repaired.

I’m done doing that.

I’m done being stuck in the past and done missing people that obviously don’t miss me. I have so many wonderful things in my life and so much to look forward to in the future. God has blessed me with the most beautiful niece/goddaughter anyone could have asked for, an amazing family, great friends, and a wonderful boyfriend who loves me like no one ever has. I am HAPPY.

My life isn’t perfect and it will never be but that’s the reality of LIFE. 

In this very moment I am where I want and need to be.

Me finally moving on and letting go of the past doesn’t mean that I give up, it just means that I am finally focusing on what truly matters and the people that matter.

So cheers to new beginnings.

Goodbye to all the bad vibes

Hello to all the wonderful things coming my way.

I know…..

We live in a generation where “love” has lost it’s meaning entirely. Where “I love you” is used to keep someone around because we think we are about to lose them. Where we say it back because the other person has already said it to you.

We use the word “love” to reassure someone that you really DO care about them because what stronger feeling is there than love? Right? We are blinded by society’s “definition” of love that we don’t know what it is.

Is it a chemical reaction in the brain that causes us to feel this way? Or is it something much deeper; much soulful than that?

I for one can honestly tell you I have NO idea what love is . I don’t know if I have ever felt it or if I have just felt some feelings of it; but I DO know, that love is the most powerful thing in this world. Love makes people do crazy things and act a way you could never imagine.

Maybe that’s why I love love.

I love the person it makes people become, whether if it IS slightly crazy; but regardless of the fact, it makes you into a better person. When asked about someone you love, you get that glimmer in your eyes and a smile that you cannot see or notice but the whole world can. To know that you love someone and have them love you back just as much, is the greatest feeling in this world.

We forget the meaning because we think we will never find it. I am guilty of this as well, but truth is, love has NO definition.

Love is just love.

You can’t explain it, you can’t describe it, you just feel it ; and although you have never felt something quite like it  before, you just know that it’s love.

You know you want to be with that person and spend the rest of your life with them. Even if you guys aren’t perfect, because love never is. You know they are the one.

The feeling may come all at once or it may take it’s time, but when it comes you’ll know. You’ll know that what you have been searching for is finally right in front of your face and that you are blessed. More than blessed to have someone as amazing as them in your life.

It won’t be easy, but nothing worth it ever is and no feeling will ever compare to it. When asked about it, you won’t know how to explain it; but you’ll respond by saying “I know”, because truth is;

DO know……..

This one’s for you.

This one’s for you because you changed my mind.

This one’s for you because you proved me wrong.

This one’s for you because you made the impossible, possible.

This one’s for you because I think you are special.

This one’s for you because I want to thank you.

On many occasions I have been told that my writing is sad, dark, and quite depressing; but this one is different because, This one’s for you.

I never realized all that you were doing, never realized the love that you had for me and how real it was. I always thought that I was forgotten, the one you did not care for, the one you did not love; but I was wrong.

All these years, all the pain, all the sadness, all the looking; and here you are.

I finally see you like I never have before.

You have showed me that every single bad thing was for a reason. Every tear drop I’ve cried, Every sad song I’ve sang, Every heartbreak I’ve had to mend, it was all for this; for this moment right here.

The moment that I realize that the answers I so desperately was seeking was right in front of me the whole time. The key was not to look and find, but to wait patiently and discover; Discover the true meaning of it all.

The true meaning of life; the true meaning of my life.

So thank you;

Thank you for helping me grow,

Thank you for all  the pain and heartache,

Thank you for bringing me my answer,

Thank you for him;

Because this is not another sad story but this is the beginning; the beginning of yet another story;

So this one’s for you.

Stupid, stupid girl 

You stupid, stupid girl; did you actually think he was into you? 

You stupid, stupid girl; did you think it was finally your time? Your time to be happy? 

You stupid, stupid girl; did you really think you were different? Different from the rest of them?

You stupid, stupid girl; did you really think you could change him? Change the way he sees you, along with the rest of the world?

You stupid, stupid girl; when will you learn? Learn that you just aren’t meant to be loved

You stupid, stupid girl; didn’t you know that happy endings don’t exist? Not even in our dreams

You stupid, stupid girl; how long will it take you to realize that the love you so desperately want; will NEVER be given.