The Broken Promise

“I promise, I’ll never leave you”

“I promise, everything will be okay”

“I promise, I won’t hurt you”

“I promise, I won’t disappear again”

“I promise, you have nothing to worry about”

“I pinky promise

I PROMISE

All these promises; nothing but broken promises.

We all live by a promise that we hope will be true. We hope that the promise made to us; swore to us, will be the promise to make everything okay.

Each and every one of us has made or has had someone promise them something that they could not keep. Whether if it’s promising to call someone back or making a promise to reassure someone of something we simply do not know the answers to.

The thought of having a promise is better than facing reality; facing the truth in knowing that what we so desperately have been hoping for will never happen; but yet we put the actuality of our thoughts to the side because what’s better than holding on to false hope?

I have always been someone to take promises very serious. When I promised something it was because deep down in my heart I really meant it, but sometimes things happen; LIFE happens and distracts us from keeping our word, or maybe that’s just an excuse.

I no longer believe in promises because I know they are just fabricated lies meant to make me feel better at the time.

The words “I promise”  have lost their sentimental value and they no longer have any meaning to me.

I refuse to let a broken promise control my thoughts, control the truth that I already know; I refuse to let a broken promise control ME; and you shouldn’t either.

Stop making people promise you things that you know they can’t keep.

Stop holding on to something that you know will never occur.

Let go and let god.

Let things JUST happen.

Let life take you where you need to be and let the people that truly care, show you with their pure actions that you can trust them.

Let go of that broken promise we all have in our hearts and let it set us free.

Let promises mean and be nothing more than just; a broken promise.

 

You, I; Us

We all have had that one person that we thought we can help change; help become a better person, but in attempts of doing so, we, you; have lost myself.

Many of us believe that when we truly love someone we will stick with them no matter what. We will stick with them when things get rough. We will stick with them when they are going through the worst of times, and we will stick with them when they treat us like a worthless piece of garbage.

Life and love isn’t about making yourself and your self worth any less because you have come across someone that is complicated and needs a push in the right direction.

Someone comes along whom we see potential in. We become so intrigued and fascinated, that all of a sudden it begins to consume our mind; our body and our soul. We can’t think straight and we have lost all focus on what is really important; WHO is really important. You, I; US.

More than ever we want to show them that we are worth it; we are worthy of their love and no matter how much they push us away and say all these hurtful things to us, it doesn’t matter because we know they do not mean it and that deep, deep down inside they truly care about us.

They are so insecure with themselves and their own life, that they choose to prey on our vulnerabilities and sense of caring. They feed off our positive energy and become motivated to destroy it, to destroy us and who we are.

But we allow this when we willingly tolerate their ruthless behavior and disrespect. We allow the negativity into our lives when we let them in. We allow them to suck the energy and all the goodness that we have so preciously took the time to invest in ourselves; for what?

To help them? To help someone that doesn’t want to be helped? Showing them that their behavior is okay and anyone will deal with it.

NO man or woman that truly cares and loves you will ever, try to intentionally hurt you. They will not sit there and tell you all these things that make you question yourself, make you question if you are worth it or not,

because darling; you are worth it.

WE are all worth it.

I am worth it.

It doesn’t matter how much we care about someone or how much we can see them in our future if they were to just change that one thing, which is by far the biggest thing about themselves.

People don’t change, they just become better at hiding their flaws.

Sometimes the best thing is, letting go. 

Letting go because we know that no matter how hard we try, they will never be happy with us because they can never be happy with themselves.

Letting go because we love them, and loving them enough to know that we have to.

And letting go because we love ourselves and will not stand for the pain inflicted upon us.

That’s love; Not perfect love, but realistic love.

Love for yourself.

Love for ourselves .

Love, for myself.

Love yourself girl

There is no greater love than the love for yourself. If you cannot look yourself in the mirror and think Yes! I’m that girl. Then sorry to break it to you, you need to get your priorities straight.

If you get intimidated by another good looking female, instead of embracing her beauty; there’s a problem. NO woman should EVER be insecure or jealous of what another woman has.

Another thing, if you can’t learn to be alone without the company of a man and you need a man to give you attention or make you feel good about yourself, then sweetie you need to do some soul searching.

I am not cocky nor am I conceited, but hell, I am too confident for my own good. I will NEVER let any woman intimidate me because I don’t think anyone is better than me. I love myself more than possible and I would never hate on another woman or compare myself to one because I have everything. I am everything.

I never understood how woman go out of their way to bring another woman down or depend on other people for their happiness. That’s just pathetic.

So ask me, what do I see when I look in the mirror? And I’ll tell you;

I’m THAT girl. THE girl. The ONLY girl. The girl you WISH, you could be.

-Xoxo 

Love; Pure evil

I will NEVER understand how someone can claim they truly “Love” someone but yet they go and do all these malicious things when they don’t get their way.

Is that love? or is it just pure evil?

I will never understand how someone can see the one they care about go through the hardest of times, but yet continue without hesitation to make their life a living hell.

Is that love? or pure evil?

How can you look at the person you have been dying to be with; to hold, to kiss, to love; only to realize that the only way you got them back was with pain and torture?

Is that love? or pure evil?

How can one look at themselves in the mirror or better yet; how can one go to sleep at night with a clear conscious  knowing that they are ruining their loves life?

Is that love? or pure evil?

How does it feel to have the person that once loved and cared about you, look at you with nothing but disgrace and disgust because they now see you as the despicable inhumane being that you are?

Or to know that you ruined what could; but will NEVER, be a happy ending?

To know that they will never look at you the same and no matter what you do or say; no matter how many times you try to make it up or apologize they will never forgive you for all the damage you have caused them?

How does it feel?

Pretty. Damn. Horrible.

So now tell me, is this love or is it pure evil?

I’ll help you out; you’re EVIL;

Pure evil.

Lost hope

People question if love exist and if it does; then what is it?

To be honest I have no idea what love is and I don’t think I ever will; but I do know it exist.

Growing up I have never seen love. To me love did not exist and it only happened in movies. Which is why I think I became a bit obsessive with romantic movies because it’s the only place I got see that “spark”.

All up until my mom met him. God the love in their eyes are beyond words can describe. They don’t even have to look at each other for anyone to see how in love they are.

She walks in a room and his entire face glows up, He comes next to her and she gets the biggest smile you have ever seen. Their love is so amazing.

Do I personally think that I’ll ever find a love like theirs? No not all. I don’t think that I’ll find someone that will look at me the way he looks at my mom.

Or someone to go crazy, missing me because I’m gone for two weeks.

I don’t think it’s exist for me but it exist for many people and I just love seeing it.

I love seeing love because I love love, and I always will.

Love conquers all.

I can only hope to be as lucky as my mother to find a love that takes over me.

To find a love that make me into a better a person, a love that people feel when we walk into a room.

I can only hope.

Seems like that’s all I’ve been doing lately though;

Hoping.

Maybe I’ll be hoping forever,

Or maybe I’ll just lose hope and never find it.

Lost

I never write for others to read what I have to say; I write to get lost in my own words.

My entire life has consisted of me trying to find myself, trying to find the girl that I so desperately want to become. I search and search but I continue on going in the wrong direction.

I continue on being lost.

On my journey I come across some incredible people and some people that are as malicious as they come, but I do not allow that to stop me. Every person that I cross paths with whether it be good or bad ; I learn a lesson out of. I learn something new about myself, I find my strengths and my weaknesses.

Everyday I get closer and closer to my final destination, but I can’t help but feel lost. I can’t help but feel like something is missing in my life.

The more I find myself the more lost I become. Does that even make sense?

I feel that people in this world are okay with just being content with their lives but that’s not enough for me. I need  to be purely and immensely happy. I need to be so happy that it consumes me; consumes my life and the way I think and feel.

I’m lost and I don’t know which way to go. I have tried everything possible but I end up in the same place; here, in front of my computer writing about my feelings.

I’m searching for something that probably does not exist or never will; Something I probably will never find.

I feel I am so close though, I can feel it. I don’t want to give up, not yet, not ever.

I don’t believe god put us on this earth to work, stress out,and die. There has to be a greater purpose. There IS a greater purpose.

I don’t know what I’m looking for anymore, but I do know that when I find it it will bring me the greatest joy in the world and I’ll know that this was what I was searching for my whole life; I’ll no longer feel lost and all the searching would have not been for nothing, but for everything.

But what If I never find it? and live my entire life, Lost.

Always lost;

Forever Lost.

The darkness

There’s no light.There’s no way out.

I can’t see.

I can’t breathe.

I can’t escape.

All around me is nothing but darkness.

Everywhere I go you are there, waiting for me; waiting to grab me and pull me into you. I try my best to not let you consume me, but you are a part of me.

You are my worst enemy.

Just when I think I am close to the end, close to touching the light; you pop up. You don’t want to let me go because you need me, but you are destroying my life. You are destroying me.

Anxiety why do you do this to me?

Why do you deceive me by letting me think that you are finally gone and then show up when I am genuinely happy?

Why can’t I escape you? I try living with you but you continue on crossing boundaries. You keep on appearing where you are not wanted.

Can’t you see that you are nothing but an intruder and that I don’t want you here. I don’t want you pulling me back in, I don’t want you in my life.

I don’t want you to define me.

I’m tired of trying to hide, because I am afraid that you will show yourself to the people that I love. I’m afraid of what they’ll think, afraid of them leaving because of you.

This is what you do, you show yourself and make everyone run. They never stay, they always run, they always leave.

It’s like you are obsessed with me and can’t let go.

You make me feel crazy.

You get in my head and make me see things that aren’t there; Things that will never be there. Things that you make up in my head because you want me to yourself.

All you do is make me feel alone and keep me enclosed from the world because I don’t want anyone to see you. I don’t want anyone to know you exist.

I can’t let anyone know you exist.

I will never be at peace for as long as you live in me, and to be honest I don’t think you will ever leave until you become me.

I will die in the darkness.

I will die with you trying to control me forever.

But I will NEVER let you kill me.

Lucky, Unlucky 13

Life is as lucky and unlucky as you make it. I have always lived my life saying that I am the most unluckiest person in the world; When In reality I just might be the luckiest in my world. What’s lucky for others may not be lucky for you and what’s unlucky for others may not be unlucky for you. Life is a gamble and it’s about taking risks, risks at trying to have it all, risks at trying to be on top, risks at being happy. But how many of us are really willing to give something up in order to have what we have truly always desired? Follow me on my journey and maybe, just maybe you’ll learn how being unlucky has made my life the luckiest of all. 

Luckyunlucky13