What is life?

What is life?

You wake up, go to work, come home late and stressed, eat dinner, go to bed, can’t sleep, and REPEAT.

Life is a routine of misery with hints and glimpses of happiness.

It is the same thing Over and Over and OVER again. Every. Single. Day.

Are we just living to feel those few moments of happiness?

I for one feel I am more down than I am happy, but when I am happy it is the best high I ever felt, but like any high it only lasts for a few days, maybe a few weeks, but it’s never constant and I hate that.

I hate feeling this way ALL the time.

I hate feeling that no matter how hard you try to be normal and live a normal life (whatever that is anyways) it will never happen. You/I always end up in the same place.

Wanting to be happy. Wanting the darkness to go away. Wanting more. Wanting to be …..

Different.

Not stuck in the same routine of miserable life with bad things happening, only confirming how you feel.

So again. What is life? Is there more to it? or am I so deep in this hole that I am losing faith?

Indebted

Sometimes I feel that I am indebted to people. I guess it’s the loyalty in me. I felt indebted when someone decided to be my friend, when they knew how crazy certain things in my household were. I never knew why anyone wanted to be around anyone that had all that “drama” (not that I could have helped any of it). Regardless, it made me feel so happy to know that someone still wanted me around.

I felt indebted when someone wanted to be with me, because I felt that they could be with anyone in the world and they chose me for a reason. How lucky was I, right? It is definitely not luck when your loyalty makes you stick around because you feel that you will never be able to find someone else, so you tolerate all the bad.

I felt indebted when someone got me a job. It was one of the worst times in my life (mentally) and I hated my job at the time. This “angel” came along and offered me a job, that at the moment felt like a life line, so I became indebted to them. I was so grateful and I didn’t know how I could ever repay them and I spent most of my time trying.

But now I’m done.

I found friends that love me, for me. They don’t make me feel like I have to feel lucky to have them but they make me feel like, THEY are lucky to have me. They really love me and there is never any question or doubt about it. I don’t have to try hard, I don’t have to wonder. I just have to be me and that’s enough.

I found a boyfriend who loves me to the moon and back. He also makes me feel like I have made his life better since I came around and I am the only one that truly knows him. I feel the same way of course. He makes me a better person, a better human and as much as I love him; I never feel indebted to him. Our relationship was built on love and not insecurities that eventually feel like transactions. We are with each other because we are each other’s person and it feels amazing.

And finally…

I have given up on repaying my debt when it comes to this “angel”. I proved myself and worked my ass off. I DESERVED that job; and yes, someone helped me get in. But it was ME that kept it because of how much of a hard worker I am. It is enough with letting this person string me like a puppet. Making me feel like I am no longer needed and no longer worth speaking to because they are on to a new “project”. It is enough with letting them think that they are better than me. It is enough letting them think they “saved me”. It is enough letting them think that I am lost without them.

Most of all, it is enough with me trying to repay debt that should have never been debt in the first place. It should have been just because…..

I am learning and growing. But I know that over time I will become the best version of myself and no one will ever make me question who I am or make me feel like I have to be a certain way to get them to like me.

I hate this feeling….

I hate when I wake up like this.

I feel so lost and everything around me feels so dark.

I can’t find myself, no matter how hard I try. I can’t seem to see the light to make it through.

All I feel is confusion.

Sadness.

Worry.

Anxiety.

I hate this feeling.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to sleep and wake up so I can try all over again.

This will be how I feel all day and there’s nothing that I can do to stop it.

My mind is more powerful than I am. I am only a prisoner.

A prisoner to my thoughts. A prisoner to my feelings. A prisoner to myself.

I hate this feeling….

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I thought I was getting better. But can I ever get better or is this who I am?

Is this me?

I thought I was finally on a path where I could manage my emotions. Manage my thoughts. Manage my life.

I thought I was finally in control.

I guess that’s the problem with mental health, it makes you see things or feel things that aren’t there.

For a second I actually believed that I could be like everyone else.

Feel things when I’m “supposed to”, cry when I “need” to and be angry when I “have” to. Not just explode with random emotions for no reason just because it’s how I am feeling in the moment and I never know why.

For a second I thought I was in control.

But truth is I will never be in control.

I will never be normal.

I will always feel things a bit more deeper than others, think things a bit more in depth than others, spiral a bit more than others.

Truth is I will always feel like there is something wrong with me. I will never feel normal like everyone else.

I will always be that person that needs to work a bit harder to control my thoughts and emotions or else I will go downhill in a matter of seconds.

And honestly?

I really don’t know how I feel about that.

Love, Peace, and Happiness

Sometimes I just want to disappear.

I want to get away from everyone and everything. Every single person that makes me feel like my presence does not matter. Every single person that always makes me feel like a piece of crap. Every single person that makes me think terrible things.

I don’t want to be here anymore.

I’m so sick and tired of feeling misunderstood.

I just want to close my eyes and end up somewhere else.

Alone.

Alone in a beautiful small beach town; living in a small cottage. I’ll ride my bike to work, with the view of the beach to the left of me, as I head into work and the view of the beach to the right of me, as I go home.

My job will be a small little shop with all of my photography. Tourists will come in and be fascinated with the place that I call home and will stop and stare in awe, at all of my art work.

I wont have to deal with anyone that stresses me or makes me feel sad. I wont have anyone making me feel like I’m not good enough, like I’m unworthy.

I wont have anxiety and I wont have depression.

I’ll be a new person. Someone that I’ll actually like and love.

I’ll be happy.

Happy with my life; happy with me.

I’ll live my best life.

No pain.

No regrets.

No disappointment.

Just love, peace, and happiness.

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Back Again….

It’s sad to say that I call myself a writer and I haven’t written in over a year. I always say that my best writings are when I’m sad and I can’t seem to write anything good when I’m happy, which is exactly what I have been happy.

I met a prince, fell in love and lived happily ever after! Im totally just kidding ha! But! I DID meet MY prince and I am in love and I am living happily.

I no longer go on wondering every single day when will be the day that someone will look at me and finally SEE me; when will they finally love me.

I have it all.

But still;

I wake up every single morning wondering what is wrong with me? I wonder why my mind can’t stop working for one second and just not think of anything.

I wake up every single morning terrified that maybe he will change his mind and leave.

I wake up every single morning wondering if I am good enough because I don’t feel like I am.

All everyone tells me is “You’re young and beautiful, you have it all; BE HAPPY

But I am aren’t I?

I am happy but I’m also terrified of the unknown. I am terrified of not knowing what will happen in the future.

I have no control and it kills me.

I wake up every single morning with my heart pounding out of my chest, unable to breathe; anticipating that something bad is going to happen.

That’s all I do. I sit and wait; sit and anticipate the unknown.

Just waiting….

Waiting for IT to happen; But what exactly is IT?

Well I guess you can never really run from it, because here it is.

It’s back again.