What is life?

What is life?

You wake up, go to work, come home late and stressed, eat dinner, go to bed, can’t sleep, and REPEAT.

Life is a routine of misery with hints and glimpses of happiness.

It is the same thing Over and Over and OVER again. Every. Single. Day.

Are we just living to feel those few moments of happiness?

I for one feel I am more down than I am happy, but when I am happy it is the best high I ever felt, but like any high it only lasts for a few days, maybe a few weeks, but it’s never constant and I hate that.

I hate feeling this way ALL the time.

I hate feeling that no matter how hard you try to be normal and live a normal life (whatever that is anyways) it will never happen. You/I always end up in the same place.

Wanting to be happy. Wanting the darkness to go away. Wanting more. Wanting to be …..

Different.

Not stuck in the same routine of miserable life with bad things happening, only confirming how you feel.

So again. What is life? Is there more to it? or am I so deep in this hole that I am losing faith?

Standstill

Does anyone else feel like they are at a stand still? Everything and everyone around them is moving, except for you.

Everyone has their shit together, knows where they’re going, knows what they want, except for you.

Everyone is happy and excited, except for you.

Everyone is so confident and filled with joy and love, except for you.

Does anyone feel this way??? Or is it just me?

I hate this feeling….

I hate when I wake up like this.

I feel so lost and everything around me feels so dark.

I can’t find myself, no matter how hard I try. I can’t seem to see the light to make it through.

All I feel is confusion.

Sadness.

Worry.

Anxiety.

I hate this feeling.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to sleep and wake up so I can try all over again.

This will be how I feel all day and there’s nothing that I can do to stop it.

My mind is more powerful than I am. I am only a prisoner.

A prisoner to my thoughts. A prisoner to my feelings. A prisoner to myself.

I hate this feeling….

Worthy

Am I worthy?

Am I worthy of you? worthy of him? worthy of this life?

Am I worthy to have you love me ever so deeply and look at me to protect you, to love you back?

Am I worthy of your love for me? or will I just disappoint you the way I constantly disappoint myself?

Will I be punished for the sins I have committed or will God see it in his heart to forgive me the way I haven’t, the way I don’t think I ever can?

Will you forgive me for my sins or will you hate me and the person that I’ve become?

Will you love me even then? Love me through it all?

Will you still want me to protect you and look after you?

Love you?

Can I be worthy?

Can I be worthy of you? Worthy of him? Worthy of this life?

Can I be worthy to have you love me ever so deeply and look at me to protect you, to love you back?

Can I be worthy of your love for me? or will I just disappoint you the way I constantly disappoint myself?

Will I ever be worthy?

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The darkness

There’s no light.There’s no way out.

I can’t see.

I can’t breathe.

I can’t escape.

All around me is nothing but darkness.

Everywhere I go you are there, waiting for me; waiting to grab me and pull me into you. I try my best to not let you consume me, but you are a part of me.

You are my worst enemy.

Just when I think I am close to the end, close to touching the light; you pop up. You don’t want to let me go because you need me, but you are destroying my life. You are destroying me.

Anxiety why do you do this to me?

Why do you deceive me by letting me think that you are finally gone and then show up when I am genuinely happy?

Why can’t I escape you? I try living with you but you continue on crossing boundaries. You keep on appearing where you are not wanted.

Can’t you see that you are nothing but an intruder and that I don’t want you here. I don’t want you pulling me back in, I don’t want you in my life.

I don’t want you to define me.

I’m tired of trying to hide, because I am afraid that you will show yourself to the people that I love. I’m afraid of what they’ll think, afraid of them leaving because of you.

This is what you do, you show yourself and make everyone run. They never stay, they always run, they always leave.

It’s like you are obsessed with me and can’t let go.

You make me feel crazy.

You get in my head and make me see things that aren’t there; Things that will never be there. Things that you make up in my head because you want me to yourself.

All you do is make me feel alone and keep me enclosed from the world because I don’t want anyone to see you. I don’t want anyone to know you exist.

I can’t let anyone know you exist.

I will never be at peace for as long as you live in me, and to be honest I don’t think you will ever leave until you become me.

I will die in the darkness.

I will die with you trying to control me forever.

But I will NEVER let you kill me.