You wake up, go to work, come home late and stressed, eat dinner, go to bed, can’t sleep, and REPEAT.
Life is a routine of misery with hints and glimpses of happiness.
It is the same thing Over and Over and OVER again. Every. Single. Day.
Are we just living to feel those few moments of happiness?
I for one feel I am more down than I am happy, but when I am happy it is the best high I ever felt, but like any high it only lasts for a few days, maybe a few weeks, but it’s never constant and I hate that.
I hate feeling this way ALL the time.
I hate feeling that no matter how hard you try to be normal and live a normal life (whatever that is anyways) it will never happen. You/I always end up in the same place.
Wanting to be happy. Wanting the darkness to go away. Wanting more. Wanting to be …..
Not stuck in the same routine of miserable life with bad things happening, only confirming how you feel.
So again. What is life? Is there more to it? or am I so deep in this hole that I am losing faith?
I thought I was getting better. But can I ever get better or is this who I am?
Is this me?
I thought I was finally on a path where I could manage my emotions. Manage my thoughts. Manage my life.
I thought I was finally in control.
I guess that’s the problem with mental health, it makes you see things or feel things that aren’t there.
For a second I actually believed that I could be like everyone else.
Feel things when I’m “supposed to”, cry when I “need” to and be angry when I “have” to. Not just explode with random emotions for no reason just because it’s how I am feeling in the moment and I never know why.
For a second I thought I was in control.
But truth is I will never be in control.
I will never be normal.
I will always feel things a bit more deeper than others, think things a bit more in depth than others, spiral a bit more than others.
Truth is I will always feel like there is something wrong with me. I will never feel normal like everyone else.
I will always be that person that needs to work a bit harder to control my thoughts and emotions or else I will go downhill in a matter of seconds.
I want to get away from everyone and everything. Every single person that makes me feel like my presence does not matter. Every single person that always makes me feel like a piece of crap. Every single person that makes me think terrible things.
I don’t want to be here anymore.
I’m so sick and tired of feeling misunderstood.
I just want to close my eyes and end up somewhere else.
Alone in a beautiful small beach town; living in a small cottage. I’ll ride my bike to work, with the view of the beach to the left of me, as I head into work and the view of the beach to the right of me, as I go home.
My job will be a small little shop with all of my photography. Tourists will come in and be fascinated with the place that I call home and will stop and stare in awe, at all of my art work.
I wont have to deal with anyone that stresses me or makes me feel sad. I wont have anyone making me feel like I’m not good enough, like I’m unworthy.
I wont have anxiety and I wont have depression.
I’ll be a new person. Someone that I’ll actually like and love.