You wake up, go to work, come home late and stressed, eat dinner, go to bed, can’t sleep, and REPEAT.
Life is a routine of misery with hints and glimpses of happiness.
It is the same thing Over and Over and OVER again. Every. Single. Day.
Are we just living to feel those few moments of happiness?
I for one feel I am more down than I am happy, but when I am happy it is the best high I ever felt, but like any high it only lasts for a few days, maybe a few weeks, but it’s never constant and I hate that.
I hate feeling this way ALL the time.
I hate feeling that no matter how hard you try to be normal and live a normal life (whatever that is anyways) it will never happen. You/I always end up in the same place.
Wanting to be happy. Wanting the darkness to go away. Wanting more. Wanting to be …..
Not stuck in the same routine of miserable life with bad things happening, only confirming how you feel.
So again. What is life? Is there more to it? or am I so deep in this hole that I am losing faith?
This new year I want to practice self love. I want to see the good in myself and believe in myself more. I honestly don’t give myself enough credit with anything that I do and it’s not fair.
I am a freaking awesome person and I tend to forget that. I let how people treat me shape the way I see myself, when in reality I should be using that as ammo and confirmation that they don’t matter and I do!
New Year Goals:
Worry less about what others think.
Don’t go over the top for people that don’t matter.
Don’t let WORK stress me. It’s just work, it isn’t my life.
I really don’t know how we got to where we are now.
Everything has changed; I have changed.
I’m so angry and bitter.
I’m so sad and heartbroken.
What matters does not matter because I am so fixated on all the negative that I am losing sight of what really matters; US.
Being with you has turned me into this person that I do not like; a person that I hate.
The problem is, that these feelings aren’t occurring because of you, per se, but it’s because of the people that you love.
I know we protect the ones that we love the most, but to what extent?
To what extent do we keep allowing the ones we love, to disrespect and hurt the one we love?
When do we decide enough is enough?
When do we take a step back and see what is really going on and put ourselves in our loves shoes, to really feel all the pain they are going through?
You think I’m miserable, fixated, angry, and delusional; But have you ever took a step back and really looked at me, and how happy, funny, intact, and fun I actually am when I am surrounded by people that genuinely love me and want to see me happy?
Or do you just focus on how I am, after 3 1/2 years of dealing and tolerating with unwanted drama and disrespect?
I know you say that you are not to blame, but if it were the other way around, wouldn’t I be the one to blame?
Wouldn’t it be my duty as your partner to make sure that the ones I love are respecting and honoring the one, I love?
Or would it not be my fault since I am not the one committing these actions? but of course, I will understand where you are coming from and how you feel, but I still want you to be around the people that have hurt you the most on MULTIPLE occasions and I wont confront them because I am too afraid of the outcome.
After all, these are the people closest to me and I love them dearly. I don’t want them to hurt with what I have to say and plus, I know they will make excuses and nothing will change. So why bother?
Is that what you would want from me? The bare minimum?
Or would you want me to fight!? Fight for our love and happiness.
Would you want me to prove to you that I love you more than anything and I would never let anyone disrespect you, because them disrespecting you is disrespecting me, and I will not allow it.
I will not allow for you to feel like you do not matter when you mean the world to me.
I will not allow you to cry because someone that I love has hurt your feelings, when all you try to do is get them to love you too.
I will not allow for anyone to make you feel less than or unimportant because it would break my heart knowing that the ones I love, and claim to love me right back, are doing this to you with no remorse or care.
If they really loved me wouldn’t they back off and do anything for me, which means do anything for you?
I thought that’s how love worked.
I thought we do anything possible to see the ones we love happy, even if it means making certain sacrifices.
I mean is that not what I have been doing for you all these years? Sacrificing my happiness for yours? Sacrificing how I feel for the people you love? Sacrificing my heart and soul just to show you that I love you?
Only in return, to be filled with hate and anger.
Only to feel, alone and hurt.
Only to allow this heinous cycle to continue, with no consequence.
Is that not enough?
Or do you prefer for me to shrivel and wither away? until I have nothing left to give, until IAMNOTHING.
I want to get away from everyone and everything. Every single person that makes me feel like my presence does not matter. Every single person that always makes me feel like a piece of crap. Every single person that makes me think terrible things.
I don’t want to be here anymore.
I’m so sick and tired of feeling misunderstood.
I just want to close my eyes and end up somewhere else.
Alone in a beautiful small beach town; living in a small cottage. I’ll ride my bike to work, with the view of the beach to the left of me, as I head into work and the view of the beach to the right of me, as I go home.
My job will be a small little shop with all of my photography. Tourists will come in and be fascinated with the place that I call home and will stop and stare in awe, at all of my art work.
I wont have to deal with anyone that stresses me or makes me feel sad. I wont have anyone making me feel like I’m not good enough, like I’m unworthy.
I wont have anxiety and I wont have depression.
I’ll be a new person. Someone that I’ll actually like and love.