This new year I want to practice self love. I want to see the good in myself and believe in myself more. I honestly don’t give myself enough credit with anything that I do and it’s not fair.
I am a freaking awesome person and I tend to forget that. I let how people treat me shape the way I see myself, when in reality I should be using that as ammo and confirmation that they don’t matter and I do!
New Year Goals:
Worry less about what others think.
Don’t go over the top for people that don’t matter.
Don’t let WORK stress me. It’s just work, it isn’t my life.
I have recently been toying with the idea on whether or not I should put myself out there create content on decor.
I honestly never thought that I was passionate about anything, until recent turn of events. Thanks to my supportive family, friends, and boyfriend, they have pushed me to consider the idea. I have always loved decorating houses, parties, doing DIY projects and most of all taking photos of places that I have traveled to or just things that seem beautiful to me. As Joe says, “You have the eye”.
I guess I never saw these things as “passion”, but as things that every body is interested in, no?
Anyways, with that being said…..
I have officially launched my other blog, where I will talk and post about home decor, party decor, travel, and my house remodel. It may not go any where (or it may) but regardless, I am staying focused on the fact, that I did it, and regardless of what happens, I will have FUN doing it because it makes me HAPPY and that’s all that matters.
If you guys are interested, view my new blog listed below! It is still in the works but happy to share any content :).
I really don’t know how we got to where we are now.
Everything has changed; I have changed.
I’m so angry and bitter.
I’m so sad and heartbroken.
What matters does not matter because I am so fixated on all the negative that I am losing sight of what really matters; US.
Being with you has turned me into this person that I do not like; a person that I hate.
The problem is, that these feelings aren’t occurring because of you, per se, but it’s because of the people that you love.
I know we protect the ones that we love the most, but to what extent?
To what extent do we keep allowing the ones we love, to disrespect and hurt the one we love?
When do we decide enough is enough?
When do we take a step back and see what is really going on and put ourselves in our loves shoes, to really feel all the pain they are going through?
You think I’m miserable, fixated, angry, and delusional; But have you ever took a step back and really looked at me, and how happy, funny, intact, and fun I actually am when I am surrounded by people that genuinely love me and want to see me happy?
Or do you just focus on how I am, after 3 1/2 years of dealing and tolerating with unwanted drama and disrespect?
I know you say that you are not to blame, but if it were the other way around, wouldn’t I be the one to blame?
Wouldn’t it be my duty as your partner to make sure that the ones I love are respecting and honoring the one, I love?
Or would it not be my fault since I am not the one committing these actions? but of course, I will understand where you are coming from and how you feel, but I still want you to be around the people that have hurt you the most on MULTIPLE occasions and I wont confront them because I am too afraid of the outcome.
After all, these are the people closest to me and I love them dearly. I don’t want them to hurt with what I have to say and plus, I know they will make excuses and nothing will change. So why bother?
Is that what you would want from me? The bare minimum?
Or would you want me to fight!? Fight for our love and happiness.
Would you want me to prove to you that I love you more than anything and I would never let anyone disrespect you, because them disrespecting you is disrespecting me, and I will not allow it.
I will not allow for you to feel like you do not matter when you mean the world to me.
I will not allow you to cry because someone that I love has hurt your feelings, when all you try to do is get them to love you too.
I will not allow for anyone to make you feel less than or unimportant because it would break my heart knowing that the ones I love, and claim to love me right back, are doing this to you with no remorse or care.
If they really loved me wouldn’t they back off and do anything for me, which means do anything for you?
I thought that’s how love worked.
I thought we do anything possible to see the ones we love happy, even if it means making certain sacrifices.
I mean is that not what I have been doing for you all these years? Sacrificing my happiness for yours? Sacrificing how I feel for the people you love? Sacrificing my heart and soul just to show you that I love you?
Only in return, to be filled with hate and anger.
Only to feel, alone and hurt.
Only to allow this heinous cycle to continue, with no consequence.
Is that not enough?
Or do you prefer for me to shrivel and wither away? until I have nothing left to give, until IAMNOTHING.
I want to get away from everyone and everything. Every single person that makes me feel like my presence does not matter. Every single person that always makes me feel like a piece of crap. Every single person that makes me think terrible things.
I don’t want to be here anymore.
I’m so sick and tired of feeling misunderstood.
I just want to close my eyes and end up somewhere else.
Alone in a beautiful small beach town; living in a small cottage. I’ll ride my bike to work, with the view of the beach to the left of me, as I head into work and the view of the beach to the right of me, as I go home.
My job will be a small little shop with all of my photography. Tourists will come in and be fascinated with the place that I call home and will stop and stare in awe, at all of my art work.
I wont have to deal with anyone that stresses me or makes me feel sad. I wont have anyone making me feel like I’m not good enough, like I’m unworthy.
I wont have anxiety and I wont have depression.
I’ll be a new person. Someone that I’ll actually like and love.
Looking for a meaning beyond working, paying bills, and then dying. We want to make our life significant, different; extraordinary.
We want that reason to LIVE.
Well you are that to me.
I too have lived a quarter of a century trying to figure out why I was put on this earth and what was my purpose. I focused so much on the future and not having enough “time” that I often forgot to live in the present and enjoy all the good things that were happening to me.
I no longer am that way.
The moment you came into my life it has been such a blessing. I no longer look at the time on a Sunday night anxious, because Monday is right around the corner. Time freezes and all stops; nothing matters but us.
It’s just you and I, in our bubble.
I no longer get that wave of emotion and confusion when I think about what comes after death; because I feel like we have forever until that time comes.
Whenever I doubt myself, or I feel like I am lost; I can look to you and you build me up. You make me believe in myself when I don’t believe in me, and you love me even when I hate me.
You are the reason for my happiness and the reason that I just don’t care about what comes next, because I am too happy enjoying what I have in front of me. Too happy to let my inner fears take over. Too happy that I just want to let things; BE.
You are the reason for this all. You are the reason for all the good and the bad that has ever happened to me, because it was meant to lead me to you.
It’s sad to say that I call myself a writer and I haven’t written in over a year. I always say that my best writings are when I’m sad and I can’t seem to write anything good when I’m happy, which is exactly what I have been happy.
I met a prince, fell in love and lived happily ever after! Im totally just kidding ha! But! I DID meet MY prince and I am in love and I am living happily.
I no longer go on wondering every single day when will be the day that someone will look at me and finally SEE me; when will they finally love me.
I have it all.
I wake up every single morning wondering what is wrong with me? I wonder why my mind can’t stop working for one second and just not think of anything.
I wake up every single morning terrified that maybe he will change his mind and leave.
I wake up every single morning wondering if I am good enough because I don’t feel like I am.
All everyone tells me is “You’re young and beautiful, you have it all; BE HAPPY”
But I am aren’t I?
I am happy but I’m also terrified of the unknown. I am terrified of not knowing what will happen in the future.
I have no control and it kills me.
I wake up every single morning with my heart pounding out of my chest, unable to breathe; anticipating that something bad is going to happen.
That’s all I do. I sit and wait; sit and anticipate the unknown.
Waiting for IT to happen; But what exactly is IT?
Well I guess you can never really run from it, because here it is.
I’ve spent most of life focused on the past; What I didn’t do, What I could have done and most of all; all the bad things I have been through. I sit and fixate on one thing that has gone wrong and break it down into other little things, until it turns into hundred things that are wrong with my life, when in reality NOTHING is wrong.
I sit and think of all the people that have walked out of my life and blame myself, when it’s a two way street. I’m the type of person that fights until I have no fight left in me. I don’t give up on the things and people I love, I’m always trying to fix things that can no longer be repaired.
I’m done doing that.
I’m done being stuck in the past and done missing people that obviously don’t miss me. I have so many wonderful things in my life and so much to look forward to in the future. God has blessed me with the most beautiful niece/goddaughter anyone could have asked for, an amazing family, great friends, and a wonderful boyfriend who loves me like no one ever has. I am HAPPY.
My life isn’t perfect and it will never be but that’s the reality of LIFE.
In this very moment I am where I want and need to be.
Me finally moving on and letting go of the past doesn’t mean that I give up, it just means that I am finally focusing on what truly matters and the people that matter.
We live in a generation where “love” has lost it’s meaning entirely. Where “I love you” is used to keep someone around because we think we are about to lose them. Where we say it back because the other person has already said it to you.
We use the word “love” to reassure someone that you really DO care about them because what stronger feeling is there than love? Right? We are blinded by society’s “definition” of love that we don’t know what it is.
Is it a chemical reaction in the brain that causes us to feel this way? Or is it something much deeper; much soulful than that?
I for one can honestly tell you I have NO idea what love is . I don’t know if I have ever felt it or if I have just felt some feelings of it; but I DO know, that love is the most powerful thing in this world. Love makes people do crazy things and act a way you could never imagine.
Maybe that’s why I love love.
I love the person it makes people become, whether if it IS slightly crazy; but regardless of the fact, it makes you into a better person. When asked about someone you love, you get that glimmer in your eyes and a smile that you cannot see or notice but the whole world can. To know that you love someone and have them love you back just as much, is the greatest feeling in this world.
We forget the meaning because we think we will never find it. I am guilty of this as well, but truth is, love has NO definition.
Love is just love.
You can’t explain it, you can’t describe it, you just feel it ; and although you have never felt something quite like it before, you just know that it’s love.
You know you want to be with that person and spend the rest of your life with them. Even if you guys aren’t perfect, because love never is. You know they are the one.
The feeling may come all at once or it may take it’s time, but when it comes you’ll know. You’ll know that what you have been searching for is finally right in front of your face and that you are blessed. More than blessed to have someone as amazing as them in your life.
It won’t be easy, but nothing worth it ever is and no feeling will ever compare to it. When asked about it, you won’t know how to explain it; but you’ll respond by saying “I know”, because truth is;