What is life?

What is life?

You wake up, go to work, come home late and stressed, eat dinner, go to bed, can’t sleep, and REPEAT.

Life is a routine of misery with hints and glimpses of happiness.

It is the same thing Over and Over and OVER again. Every. Single. Day.

Are we just living to feel those few moments of happiness?

I for one feel I am more down than I am happy, but when I am happy it is the best high I ever felt, but like any high it only lasts for a few days, maybe a few weeks, but it’s never constant and I hate that.

I hate feeling this way ALL the time.

I hate feeling that no matter how hard you try to be normal and live a normal life (whatever that is anyways) it will never happen. You/I always end up in the same place.

Wanting to be happy. Wanting the darkness to go away. Wanting more. Wanting to be …..

Different.

Not stuck in the same routine of miserable life with bad things happening, only confirming how you feel.

So again. What is life? Is there more to it? or am I so deep in this hole that I am losing faith?

Indebted

Sometimes I feel that I am indebted to people. I guess it’s the loyalty in me. I felt indebted when someone decided to be my friend, when they knew how crazy certain things in my household were. I never knew why anyone wanted to be around anyone that had all that “drama” (not that I could have helped any of it). Regardless, it made me feel so happy to know that someone still wanted me around.

I felt indebted when someone wanted to be with me, because I felt that they could be with anyone in the world and they chose me for a reason. How lucky was I, right? It is definitely not luck when your loyalty makes you stick around because you feel that you will never be able to find someone else, so you tolerate all the bad.

I felt indebted when someone got me a job. It was one of the worst times in my life (mentally) and I hated my job at the time. This “angel” came along and offered me a job, that at the moment felt like a life line, so I became indebted to them. I was so grateful and I didn’t know how I could ever repay them and I spent most of my time trying.

But now I’m done.

I found friends that love me, for me. They don’t make me feel like I have to feel lucky to have them but they make me feel like, THEY are lucky to have me. They really love me and there is never any question or doubt about it. I don’t have to try hard, I don’t have to wonder. I just have to be me and that’s enough.

I found a boyfriend who loves me to the moon and back. He also makes me feel like I have made his life better since I came around and I am the only one that truly knows him. I feel the same way of course. He makes me a better person, a better human and as much as I love him; I never feel indebted to him. Our relationship was built on love and not insecurities that eventually feel like transactions. We are with each other because we are each other’s person and it feels amazing.

And finally…

I have given up on repaying my debt when it comes to this “angel”. I proved myself and worked my ass off. I DESERVED that job; and yes, someone helped me get in. But it was ME that kept it because of how much of a hard worker I am. It is enough with letting this person string me like a puppet. Making me feel like I am no longer needed and no longer worth speaking to because they are on to a new “project”. It is enough with letting them think that they are better than me. It is enough letting them think they “saved me”. It is enough letting them think that I am lost without them.

Most of all, it is enough with me trying to repay debt that should have never been debt in the first place. It should have been just because…..

I am learning and growing. But I know that over time I will become the best version of myself and no one will ever make me question who I am or make me feel like I have to be a certain way to get them to like me.

Standstill

Does anyone else feel like they are at a stand still? Everything and everyone around them is moving, except for you.

Everyone has their shit together, knows where they’re going, knows what they want, except for you.

Everyone is happy and excited, except for you.

Everyone is so confident and filled with joy and love, except for you.

Does anyone feel this way??? Or is it just me?

Self Love

This new year I want to practice self love. I want to see the good in myself and believe in myself more. I honestly don’t give myself enough credit with anything that I do and it’s not fair.

I am a freaking awesome person and I tend to forget that. I let how people treat me shape the way I see myself, when in reality I should be using that as ammo and confirmation that they don’t matter and I do!

New Year Goals:

Self Love.

Self Confidence.

Worry less about what others think.

Don’t go over the top for people that don’t matter.

Don’t let WORK stress me. It’s just work, it isn’t my life.

Be my complete and utter self.

I hate this feeling….

I hate when I wake up like this.

I feel so lost and everything around me feels so dark.

I can’t find myself, no matter how hard I try. I can’t seem to see the light to make it through.

All I feel is confusion.

Sadness.

Worry.

Anxiety.

I hate this feeling.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to sleep and wake up so I can try all over again.

This will be how I feel all day and there’s nothing that I can do to stop it.

My mind is more powerful than I am. I am only a prisoner.

A prisoner to my thoughts. A prisoner to my feelings. A prisoner to myself.

I hate this feeling….

Oct 13th

Usually my posts are quite dark, sad, or eerie. But not this one; This one is different.

It’s October 13th and it’s my birthday.

This birthday I am feeling rather blessed. I am currently working, and it is dark, and gloomy, and raining (as per the usual, it seems on this day) haha. But I still feel blessed.

I feel blessed to be alive.

I feel blessed that I was chosen to be brought into this world and bless everyone with my silly, fun, crazy personality; with a hint of dark.

I feel blessed to be surrounded by people that love me and are happy to be around me.

I feel blessed to 27 and on the process to buying my first home.

I feel blessed to have an amazing job, where I feel secure (as of yet).

I feel blessed to have the sweetest, funniest, most wonderful boyfriend that anyone can ask for and to have him make every day feel like a vacation when I am with him.

I feel lucky.

Out of all the days I feel unlucky; I feel lucky today.

My unlucky, lucky 13 is always here to remind me how blessed I really am.

So as for my usual sad, eerie post; that will have to wait for another day.

Happy Birthday to me! 🙂

Love, Peace, and Happiness

Sometimes I just want to disappear.

I want to get away from everyone and everything. Every single person that makes me feel like my presence does not matter. Every single person that always makes me feel like a piece of crap. Every single person that makes me think terrible things.

I don’t want to be here anymore.

I’m so sick and tired of feeling misunderstood.

I just want to close my eyes and end up somewhere else.

Alone.

Alone in a beautiful small beach town; living in a small cottage. I’ll ride my bike to work, with the view of the beach to the left of me, as I head into work and the view of the beach to the right of me, as I go home.

My job will be a small little shop with all of my photography. Tourists will come in and be fascinated with the place that I call home and will stop and stare in awe, at all of my art work.

I wont have to deal with anyone that stresses me or makes me feel sad. I wont have anyone making me feel like I’m not good enough, like I’m unworthy.

I wont have anxiety and I wont have depression.

I’ll be a new person. Someone that I’ll actually like and love.

I’ll be happy.

Happy with my life; happy with me.

I’ll live my best life.

No pain.

No regrets.

No disappointment.

Just love, peace, and happiness.

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Worthy

Am I worthy?

Am I worthy of you? worthy of him? worthy of this life?

Am I worthy to have you love me ever so deeply and look at me to protect you, to love you back?

Am I worthy of your love for me? or will I just disappoint you the way I constantly disappoint myself?

Will I be punished for the sins I have committed or will God see it in his heart to forgive me the way I haven’t, the way I don’t think I ever can?

Will you forgive me for my sins or will you hate me and the person that I’ve become?

Will you love me even then? Love me through it all?

Will you still want me to protect you and look after you?

Love you?

Can I be worthy?

Can I be worthy of you? Worthy of him? Worthy of this life?

Can I be worthy to have you love me ever so deeply and look at me to protect you, to love you back?

Can I be worthy of your love for me? or will I just disappoint you the way I constantly disappoint myself?

Will I ever be worthy?

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Dear Mom….

Dear Mom,

Growing up I never understood why you did the things you did. I never understood why you were the way you were and I never fully understood your love for me.

26 years later; and I understand it all.

You are not only my mother, but you are the best friend I could have ever asked for and I could not be more thankful for that.

You have taught me to always be kind, and always be the bigger person no matter how hard it may be.

You have taught me to fully love and let myself be loved because that’s what I deserve.

You have taught me to respect and if I want respect, I have to give it. To give people chances and the benefit of doubt, but to NEVER allow anyone to make me feel less than.

Most of all you have taught me to be STRONG and INDEPENDENT.  To always stand up for what I believe in, stand up for what I feel is good and what I feel is wrong.

To have my own voice and always say what I feel.  Never depend on anyone, no matter what. I may want someone, but I will never NEED them.

I know that all these years we haven’t seen eye to eye, but now I know that you were preparing me for LIFE, and all that comes with it; the hardships and the pain, but also the love and joy that I will experience.

You were giving me lessons that I can always keep and continue to learn from, and eventually teach my kids when I become a mother.

You are teaching me how to be a phenomenal mother; like you.

Mom, I now understand why you did the things you did. I understand why you are the way you are and I FULLY understand your love for me.

Now, and for the next 26 plus years, I will do the same for you.

Thank you for being the most amazing mother and grandmother, and for always showing the five of us what true love is.

I look forward to one day, giving you grandchildren (like you keep asking me to) and have them learn like we all did, from the best mother and grandmother there is.

I love you Mommy, more than anything in this world. Thank you for it all, but most of all, thank you for making me; ME.

Love,

Forever & Always; Your oldest (but always your baby) daughter

Bubu

The reason

We are all living our life looking for a meaning.

Looking for a meaning beyond working, paying bills, and then dying. We want to make our life significant, different; extraordinary. 

We want that reason to LIVE.

Well you are that to me.

I too have lived a quarter of a century trying to figure out why I was put on this earth and what was my purpose. I focused so much on the future and not having enough “time” that I often forgot to live in the present and enjoy all the good things that were happening to me.

I no longer am that way.

The moment you came into my life it has been such a blessing. I no longer look at the time on a Sunday night anxious, because Monday is right around the corner.  Time freezes and all stops; nothing matters but us.

It’s just you and I, in our bubble.

I no longer get that wave of emotion and confusion when I think about what comes after death; because I feel like we have forever until that time comes.

Whenever I doubt myself, or I feel like I am lost; I can look to you and you build me up. You make me believe in myself when I don’t believe in me, and you love me even when I hate me.

You are the reason for my happiness and the reason that I just don’t care about what comes next, because I am too happy enjoying what I have in front of me. Too happy to let my inner fears take over. Too happy that I just want to let things; BE.

You are the reason for this all. You are the reason for all the good and the bad that has ever happened to me, because it was meant to lead me to you.

Life was meant to be lived; with you.

You are the reason.

You are MY reason.