Indebted

Sometimes I feel that I am indebted to people. I guess it’s the loyalty in me. I felt indebted when someone decided to be my friend, when they knew how crazy certain things in my household were. I never knew why anyone wanted to be around anyone that had all that “drama” (not that I could have helped any of it). Regardless, it made me feel so happy to know that someone still wanted me around.

I felt indebted when someone wanted to be with me, because I felt that they could be with anyone in the world and they chose me for a reason. How lucky was I, right? It is definitely not luck when your loyalty makes you stick around because you feel that you will never be able to find someone else, so you tolerate all the bad.

I felt indebted when someone got me a job. It was one of the worst times in my life (mentally) and I hated my job at the time. This “angel” came along and offered me a job, that at the moment felt like a life line, so I became indebted to them. I was so grateful and I didn’t know how I could ever repay them and I spent most of my time trying.

But now I’m done.

I found friends that love me, for me. They don’t make me feel like I have to feel lucky to have them but they make me feel like, THEY are lucky to have me. They really love me and there is never any question or doubt about it. I don’t have to try hard, I don’t have to wonder. I just have to be me and that’s enough.

I found a boyfriend who loves me to the moon and back. He also makes me feel like I have made his life better since I came around and I am the only one that truly knows him. I feel the same way of course. He makes me a better person, a better human and as much as I love him; I never feel indebted to him. Our relationship was built on love and not insecurities that eventually feel like transactions. We are with each other because we are each other’s person and it feels amazing.

And finally…

I have given up on repaying my debt when it comes to this “angel”. I proved myself and worked my ass off. I DESERVED that job; and yes, someone helped me get in. But it was ME that kept it because of how much of a hard worker I am. It is enough with letting this person string me like a puppet. Making me feel like I am no longer needed and no longer worth speaking to because they are on to a new “project”. It is enough with letting them think that they are better than me. It is enough letting them think they “saved me”. It is enough letting them think that I am lost without them.

Most of all, it is enough with me trying to repay debt that should have never been debt in the first place. It should have been just because…..

I am learning and growing. But I know that over time I will become the best version of myself and no one will ever make me question who I am or make me feel like I have to be a certain way to get them to like me.

Self Love

This new year I want to practice self love. I want to see the good in myself and believe in myself more. I honestly don’t give myself enough credit with anything that I do and it’s not fair.

I am a freaking awesome person and I tend to forget that. I let how people treat me shape the way I see myself, when in reality I should be using that as ammo and confirmation that they don’t matter and I do!

New Year Goals:

Self Love.

Self Confidence.

Worry less about what others think.

Don’t go over the top for people that don’t matter.

Don’t let WORK stress me. It’s just work, it isn’t my life.

Be my complete and utter self.

I found my passion

I have recently been toying with the idea on whether or not I should put myself out there create content on decor.

I honestly never thought that I was passionate about anything, until recent turn of events. Thanks to my supportive family, friends, and boyfriend, they have pushed me to consider the idea. I have always loved decorating houses, parties, doing DIY projects and most of all taking photos of places that I have traveled to or just things that seem beautiful to me. As Joe says, “You have the eye”.

I guess I never saw these things as “passion”, but as things that every body is interested in, no?

Anyways, with that being said…..

I have officially launched my other blog, where I will talk and post about home decor, party decor, travel, and my house remodel. It may not go any where (or it may) but regardless, I am staying focused on the fact, that I did it, and regardless of what happens, I will have FUN doing it because it makes me HAPPY and that’s all that matters.

If you guys are interested, view my new blog listed below! It is still in the works but happy to share any content :).

https://theeyenmilagros.wordpress.com/

Oct 13th

Usually my posts are quite dark, sad, or eerie. But not this one; This one is different.

It’s October 13th and it’s my birthday.

This birthday I am feeling rather blessed. I am currently working, and it is dark, and gloomy, and raining (as per the usual, it seems on this day) haha. But I still feel blessed.

I feel blessed to be alive.

I feel blessed that I was chosen to be brought into this world and bless everyone with my silly, fun, crazy personality; with a hint of dark.

I feel blessed to be surrounded by people that love me and are happy to be around me.

I feel blessed to 27 and on the process to buying my first home.

I feel blessed to have an amazing job, where I feel secure (as of yet).

I feel blessed to have the sweetest, funniest, most wonderful boyfriend that anyone can ask for and to have him make every day feel like a vacation when I am with him.

I feel lucky.

Out of all the days I feel unlucky; I feel lucky today.

My unlucky, lucky 13 is always here to remind me how blessed I really am.

So as for my usual sad, eerie post; that will have to wait for another day.

Happy Birthday to me! 🙂

The ones we love

I really don’t know how we got to where we are now.

Everything has changed; I have changed.

I’m so angry and bitter.

I’m so sad and heartbroken.

What matters does not matter because I am so fixated on all the negative that I am losing sight of what really matters; US.

Being with you has turned me into this person that I do not like; a person that I hate.

The problem is, that these feelings aren’t occurring because of you, per se, but it’s because of the people that you love.

I know we protect the ones that we love the most, but to what extent?

To what extent do we keep allowing the ones we love, to disrespect and hurt the one we love?

When do we decide enough is enough?

When do we take a step back and see what is really going on and put ourselves in our loves shoes, to really feel all the pain they are going through?

When?……

You think I’m miserable, fixated, angry, and delusional; But have you ever took a step back and really looked at me, and how happy, funny, intact, and fun I actually am when I am surrounded by people that genuinely love me and want to see me happy?

Or do you just focus on how I am, after 3 1/2 years of dealing and tolerating with unwanted drama and disrespect?

I know you say that you are not to blame, but if it were the other way around, wouldn’t I be the one to blame?

Wouldn’t it be my duty as your partner to make sure that the ones I love are respecting and honoring the one, I love?

Or would it not be my fault since I am not the one committing these actions? but of course, I will understand where you are coming from and how you feel, but I still want you to be around the people that have hurt you the most on MULTIPLE occasions and I wont confront them because I am too afraid of the outcome.

After all, these are the people closest to me and I love them dearly. I don’t want them to hurt with what I have to say and plus, I know they will make excuses and nothing will change. So why bother?

Is that what you would want from me? The bare minimum?

Or would you want me to fight!? Fight for our love and happiness.

Would you want me to prove to you that I love you more than anything and I would never let anyone disrespect you, because them disrespecting you is disrespecting me, and I will not allow it.

I will not allow for you to feel like you do not matter when you mean the world to me.

I will not allow you to cry because someone that I love has hurt your feelings, when all you try to do is get them to love you too.

I will not allow for anyone to make you feel less than or unimportant because it would break my heart knowing that the ones I love, and claim to love me right back, are doing this to you with no remorse or care.

If they really loved me wouldn’t they back off and do anything for me, which means do anything for you?

I thought that’s how love worked.

I thought we do anything possible to see the ones we love happy, even if it means making certain sacrifices.

I mean is that not what I have been doing for you all these years? Sacrificing my happiness for yours? Sacrificing how I feel for the people you love? Sacrificing my heart and soul just to show you that I love you?

Only in return, to be filled with hate and anger.

Only to feel, alone and hurt.

Only to allow this heinous cycle to continue, with no consequence.

Is that not enough?

Or do you prefer for me to shrivel and wither away? until I have nothing left to give, until I AM NOTHING.

Isn’t that what you do for love?

For the ones we love?

Now you tell me.

Love, Peace, and Happiness

Sometimes I just want to disappear.

I want to get away from everyone and everything. Every single person that makes me feel like my presence does not matter. Every single person that always makes me feel like a piece of crap. Every single person that makes me think terrible things.

I don’t want to be here anymore.

I’m so sick and tired of feeling misunderstood.

I just want to close my eyes and end up somewhere else.

Alone.

Alone in a beautiful small beach town; living in a small cottage. I’ll ride my bike to work, with the view of the beach to the left of me, as I head into work and the view of the beach to the right of me, as I go home.

My job will be a small little shop with all of my photography. Tourists will come in and be fascinated with the place that I call home and will stop and stare in awe, at all of my art work.

I wont have to deal with anyone that stresses me or makes me feel sad. I wont have anyone making me feel like I’m not good enough, like I’m unworthy.

I wont have anxiety and I wont have depression.

I’ll be a new person. Someone that I’ll actually like and love.

I’ll be happy.

Happy with my life; happy with me.

I’ll live my best life.

No pain.

No regrets.

No disappointment.

Just love, peace, and happiness.

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Worthy

Am I worthy?

Am I worthy of you? worthy of him? worthy of this life?

Am I worthy to have you love me ever so deeply and look at me to protect you, to love you back?

Am I worthy of your love for me? or will I just disappoint you the way I constantly disappoint myself?

Will I be punished for the sins I have committed or will God see it in his heart to forgive me the way I haven’t, the way I don’t think I ever can?

Will you forgive me for my sins or will you hate me and the person that I’ve become?

Will you love me even then? Love me through it all?

Will you still want me to protect you and look after you?

Love you?

Can I be worthy?

Can I be worthy of you? Worthy of him? Worthy of this life?

Can I be worthy to have you love me ever so deeply and look at me to protect you, to love you back?

Can I be worthy of your love for me? or will I just disappoint you the way I constantly disappoint myself?

Will I ever be worthy?

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Dear Mom….

Dear Mom,

Growing up I never understood why you did the things you did. I never understood why you were the way you were and I never fully understood your love for me.

26 years later; and I understand it all.

You are not only my mother, but you are the best friend I could have ever asked for and I could not be more thankful for that.

You have taught me to always be kind, and always be the bigger person no matter how hard it may be.

You have taught me to fully love and let myself be loved because that’s what I deserve.

You have taught me to respect and if I want respect, I have to give it. To give people chances and the benefit of doubt, but to NEVER allow anyone to make me feel less than.

Most of all you have taught me to be STRONG and INDEPENDENT.  To always stand up for what I believe in, stand up for what I feel is good and what I feel is wrong.

To have my own voice and always say what I feel.  Never depend on anyone, no matter what. I may want someone, but I will never NEED them.

I know that all these years we haven’t seen eye to eye, but now I know that you were preparing me for LIFE, and all that comes with it; the hardships and the pain, but also the love and joy that I will experience.

You were giving me lessons that I can always keep and continue to learn from, and eventually teach my kids when I become a mother.

You are teaching me how to be a phenomenal mother; like you.

Mom, I now understand why you did the things you did. I understand why you are the way you are and I FULLY understand your love for me.

Now, and for the next 26 plus years, I will do the same for you.

Thank you for being the most amazing mother and grandmother, and for always showing the five of us what true love is.

I look forward to one day, giving you grandchildren (like you keep asking me to) and have them learn like we all did, from the best mother and grandmother there is.

I love you Mommy, more than anything in this world. Thank you for it all, but most of all, thank you for making me; ME.

Love,

Forever & Always; Your oldest (but always your baby) daughter

Bubu

The reason

We are all living our life looking for a meaning.

Looking for a meaning beyond working, paying bills, and then dying. We want to make our life significant, different; extraordinary. 

We want that reason to LIVE.

Well you are that to me.

I too have lived a quarter of a century trying to figure out why I was put on this earth and what was my purpose. I focused so much on the future and not having enough “time” that I often forgot to live in the present and enjoy all the good things that were happening to me.

I no longer am that way.

The moment you came into my life it has been such a blessing. I no longer look at the time on a Sunday night anxious, because Monday is right around the corner.  Time freezes and all stops; nothing matters but us.

It’s just you and I, in our bubble.

I no longer get that wave of emotion and confusion when I think about what comes after death; because I feel like we have forever until that time comes.

Whenever I doubt myself, or I feel like I am lost; I can look to you and you build me up. You make me believe in myself when I don’t believe in me, and you love me even when I hate me.

You are the reason for my happiness and the reason that I just don’t care about what comes next, because I am too happy enjoying what I have in front of me. Too happy to let my inner fears take over. Too happy that I just want to let things; BE.

You are the reason for this all. You are the reason for all the good and the bad that has ever happened to me, because it was meant to lead me to you.

Life was meant to be lived; with you.

You are the reason.

You are MY reason.

Back Again….

It’s sad to say that I call myself a writer and I haven’t written in over a year. I always say that my best writings are when I’m sad and I can’t seem to write anything good when I’m happy, which is exactly what I have been happy.

I met a prince, fell in love and lived happily ever after! Im totally just kidding ha! But! I DID meet MY prince and I am in love and I am living happily.

I no longer go on wondering every single day when will be the day that someone will look at me and finally SEE me; when will they finally love me.

I have it all.

But still;

I wake up every single morning wondering what is wrong with me? I wonder why my mind can’t stop working for one second and just not think of anything.

I wake up every single morning terrified that maybe he will change his mind and leave.

I wake up every single morning wondering if I am good enough because I don’t feel like I am.

All everyone tells me is “You’re young and beautiful, you have it all; BE HAPPY

But I am aren’t I?

I am happy but I’m also terrified of the unknown. I am terrified of not knowing what will happen in the future.

I have no control and it kills me.

I wake up every single morning with my heart pounding out of my chest, unable to breathe; anticipating that something bad is going to happen.

That’s all I do. I sit and wait; sit and anticipate the unknown.

Just waiting….

Waiting for IT to happen; But what exactly is IT?

Well I guess you can never really run from it, because here it is.

It’s back again.