What is life?

What is life?

You wake up, go to work, come home late and stressed, eat dinner, go to bed, can’t sleep, and REPEAT.

Life is a routine of misery with hints and glimpses of happiness.

It is the same thing Over and Over and OVER again. Every. Single. Day.

Are we just living to feel those few moments of happiness?

I for one feel I am more down than I am happy, but when I am happy it is the best high I ever felt, but like any high it only lasts for a few days, maybe a few weeks, but it’s never constant and I hate that.

I hate feeling this way ALL the time.

I hate feeling that no matter how hard you try to be normal and live a normal life (whatever that is anyways) it will never happen. You/I always end up in the same place.

Wanting to be happy. Wanting the darkness to go away. Wanting more. Wanting to be …..

Different.

Not stuck in the same routine of miserable life with bad things happening, only confirming how you feel.

So again. What is life? Is there more to it? or am I so deep in this hole that I am losing faith?

Standstill

Does anyone else feel like they are at a stand still? Everything and everyone around them is moving, except for you.

Everyone has their shit together, knows where they’re going, knows what they want, except for you.

Everyone is happy and excited, except for you.

Everyone is so confident and filled with joy and love, except for you.

Does anyone feel this way??? Or is it just me?

I hate this feeling….

I hate when I wake up like this.

I feel so lost and everything around me feels so dark.

I can’t find myself, no matter how hard I try. I can’t seem to see the light to make it through.

All I feel is confusion.

Sadness.

Worry.

Anxiety.

I hate this feeling.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to sleep and wake up so I can try all over again.

This will be how I feel all day and there’s nothing that I can do to stop it.

My mind is more powerful than I am. I am only a prisoner.

A prisoner to my thoughts. A prisoner to my feelings. A prisoner to myself.

I hate this feeling….

The ones we love

I really don’t know how we got to where we are now.

Everything has changed; I have changed.

I’m so angry and bitter.

I’m so sad and heartbroken.

What matters does not matter because I am so fixated on all the negative that I am losing sight of what really matters; US.

Being with you has turned me into this person that I do not like; a person that I hate.

The problem is, that these feelings aren’t occurring because of you, per se, but it’s because of the people that you love.

I know we protect the ones that we love the most, but to what extent?

To what extent do we keep allowing the ones we love, to disrespect and hurt the one we love?

When do we decide enough is enough?

When do we take a step back and see what is really going on and put ourselves in our loves shoes, to really feel all the pain they are going through?

When?……

You think I’m miserable, fixated, angry, and delusional; But have you ever took a step back and really looked at me, and how happy, funny, intact, and fun I actually am when I am surrounded by people that genuinely love me and want to see me happy?

Or do you just focus on how I am, after 3 1/2 years of dealing and tolerating with unwanted drama and disrespect?

I know you say that you are not to blame, but if it were the other way around, wouldn’t I be the one to blame?

Wouldn’t it be my duty as your partner to make sure that the ones I love are respecting and honoring the one, I love?

Or would it not be my fault since I am not the one committing these actions? but of course, I will understand where you are coming from and how you feel, but I still want you to be around the people that have hurt you the most on MULTIPLE occasions and I wont confront them because I am too afraid of the outcome.

After all, these are the people closest to me and I love them dearly. I don’t want them to hurt with what I have to say and plus, I know they will make excuses and nothing will change. So why bother?

Is that what you would want from me? The bare minimum?

Or would you want me to fight!? Fight for our love and happiness.

Would you want me to prove to you that I love you more than anything and I would never let anyone disrespect you, because them disrespecting you is disrespecting me, and I will not allow it.

I will not allow for you to feel like you do not matter when you mean the world to me.

I will not allow you to cry because someone that I love has hurt your feelings, when all you try to do is get them to love you too.

I will not allow for anyone to make you feel less than or unimportant because it would break my heart knowing that the ones I love, and claim to love me right back, are doing this to you with no remorse or care.

If they really loved me wouldn’t they back off and do anything for me, which means do anything for you?

I thought that’s how love worked.

I thought we do anything possible to see the ones we love happy, even if it means making certain sacrifices.

I mean is that not what I have been doing for you all these years? Sacrificing my happiness for yours? Sacrificing how I feel for the people you love? Sacrificing my heart and soul just to show you that I love you?

Only in return, to be filled with hate and anger.

Only to feel, alone and hurt.

Only to allow this heinous cycle to continue, with no consequence.

Is that not enough?

Or do you prefer for me to shrivel and wither away? until I have nothing left to give, until I AM NOTHING.

Isn’t that what you do for love?

For the ones we love?

Now you tell me.

Love, Peace, and Happiness

Sometimes I just want to disappear.

I want to get away from everyone and everything. Every single person that makes me feel like my presence does not matter. Every single person that always makes me feel like a piece of crap. Every single person that makes me think terrible things.

I don’t want to be here anymore.

I’m so sick and tired of feeling misunderstood.

I just want to close my eyes and end up somewhere else.

Alone.

Alone in a beautiful small beach town; living in a small cottage. I’ll ride my bike to work, with the view of the beach to the left of me, as I head into work and the view of the beach to the right of me, as I go home.

My job will be a small little shop with all of my photography. Tourists will come in and be fascinated with the place that I call home and will stop and stare in awe, at all of my art work.

I wont have to deal with anyone that stresses me or makes me feel sad. I wont have anyone making me feel like I’m not good enough, like I’m unworthy.

I wont have anxiety and I wont have depression.

I’ll be a new person. Someone that I’ll actually like and love.

I’ll be happy.

Happy with my life; happy with me.

I’ll live my best life.

No pain.

No regrets.

No disappointment.

Just love, peace, and happiness.

img_4573

Worthy

Am I worthy?

Am I worthy of you? worthy of him? worthy of this life?

Am I worthy to have you love me ever so deeply and look at me to protect you, to love you back?

Am I worthy of your love for me? or will I just disappoint you the way I constantly disappoint myself?

Will I be punished for the sins I have committed or will God see it in his heart to forgive me the way I haven’t, the way I don’t think I ever can?

Will you forgive me for my sins or will you hate me and the person that I’ve become?

Will you love me even then? Love me through it all?

Will you still want me to protect you and look after you?

Love you?

Can I be worthy?

Can I be worthy of you? Worthy of him? Worthy of this life?

Can I be worthy to have you love me ever so deeply and look at me to protect you, to love you back?

Can I be worthy of your love for me? or will I just disappoint you the way I constantly disappoint myself?

Will I ever be worthy?

2020-04-19 16_56_35.396

 

 

 

 

You, I; Us

We all have had that one person that we thought we can help change; help become a better person, but in attempts of doing so, we, you; have lost myself.

Many of us believe that when we truly love someone we will stick with them no matter what. We will stick with them when things get rough. We will stick with them when they are going through the worst of times, and we will stick with them when they treat us like a worthless piece of garbage.

Life and love isn’t about making yourself and your self worth any less because you have come across someone that is complicated and needs a push in the right direction.

Someone comes along whom we see potential in. We become so intrigued and fascinated, that all of a sudden it begins to consume our mind; our body and our soul. We can’t think straight and we have lost all focus on what is really important; WHO is really important. You, I; US.

More than ever we want to show them that we are worth it; we are worthy of their love and no matter how much they push us away and say all these hurtful things to us, it doesn’t matter because we know they do not mean it and that deep, deep down inside they truly care about us.

They are so insecure with themselves and their own life, that they choose to prey on our vulnerabilities and sense of caring. They feed off our positive energy and become motivated to destroy it, to destroy us and who we are.

But we allow this when we willingly tolerate their ruthless behavior and disrespect. We allow the negativity into our lives when we let them in. We allow them to suck the energy and all the goodness that we have so preciously took the time to invest in ourselves; for what?

To help them? To help someone that doesn’t want to be helped? Showing them that their behavior is okay and anyone will deal with it.

NO man or woman that truly cares and loves you will ever, try to intentionally hurt you. They will not sit there and tell you all these things that make you question yourself, make you question if you are worth it or not,

because darling; you are worth it.

WE are all worth it.

I am worth it.

It doesn’t matter how much we care about someone or how much we can see them in our future if they were to just change that one thing, which is by far the biggest thing about themselves.

People don’t change, they just become better at hiding their flaws.

Sometimes the best thing is, letting go. 

Letting go because we know that no matter how hard we try, they will never be happy with us because they can never be happy with themselves.

Letting go because we love them, and loving them enough to know that we have to.

And letting go because we love ourselves and will not stand for the pain inflicted upon us.

That’s love; Not perfect love, but realistic love.

Love for yourself.

Love for ourselves .

Love, for myself.