What is life?

What is life?

You wake up, go to work, come home late and stressed, eat dinner, go to bed, can’t sleep, and REPEAT.

Life is a routine of misery with hints and glimpses of happiness.

It is the same thing Over and Over and OVER again. Every. Single. Day.

Are we just living to feel those few moments of happiness?

I for one feel I am more down than I am happy, but when I am happy it is the best high I ever felt, but like any high it only lasts for a few days, maybe a few weeks, but it’s never constant and I hate that.

I hate feeling this way ALL the time.

I hate feeling that no matter how hard you try to be normal and live a normal life (whatever that is anyways) it will never happen. You/I always end up in the same place.

Wanting to be happy. Wanting the darkness to go away. Wanting more. Wanting to be …..

Different.

Not stuck in the same routine of miserable life with bad things happening, only confirming how you feel.

So again. What is life? Is there more to it? or am I so deep in this hole that I am losing faith?

Standstill

Does anyone else feel like they are at a stand still? Everything and everyone around them is moving, except for you.

Everyone has their shit together, knows where they’re going, knows what they want, except for you.

Everyone is happy and excited, except for you.

Everyone is so confident and filled with joy and love, except for you.

Does anyone feel this way??? Or is it just me?

I hate this feeling….

I hate when I wake up like this.

I feel so lost and everything around me feels so dark.

I can’t find myself, no matter how hard I try. I can’t seem to see the light to make it through.

All I feel is confusion.

Sadness.

Worry.

Anxiety.

I hate this feeling.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to sleep and wake up so I can try all over again.

This will be how I feel all day and there’s nothing that I can do to stop it.

My mind is more powerful than I am. I am only a prisoner.

A prisoner to my thoughts. A prisoner to my feelings. A prisoner to myself.

I hate this feeling….

Oct 13th

Usually my posts are quite dark, sad, or eerie. But not this one; This one is different.

It’s October 13th and it’s my birthday.

This birthday I am feeling rather blessed. I am currently working, and it is dark, and gloomy, and raining (as per the usual, it seems on this day) haha. But I still feel blessed.

I feel blessed to be alive.

I feel blessed that I was chosen to be brought into this world and bless everyone with my silly, fun, crazy personality; with a hint of dark.

I feel blessed to be surrounded by people that love me and are happy to be around me.

I feel blessed to 27 and on the process to buying my first home.

I feel blessed to have an amazing job, where I feel secure (as of yet).

I feel blessed to have the sweetest, funniest, most wonderful boyfriend that anyone can ask for and to have him make every day feel like a vacation when I am with him.

I feel lucky.

Out of all the days I feel unlucky; I feel lucky today.

My unlucky, lucky 13 is always here to remind me how blessed I really am.

So as for my usual sad, eerie post; that will have to wait for another day.

Happy Birthday to me! 🙂

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I thought I was getting better. But can I ever get better or is this who I am?

Is this me?

I thought I was finally on a path where I could manage my emotions. Manage my thoughts. Manage my life.

I thought I was finally in control.

I guess that’s the problem with mental health, it makes you see things or feel things that aren’t there.

For a second I actually believed that I could be like everyone else.

Feel things when I’m “supposed to”, cry when I “need” to and be angry when I “have” to. Not just explode with random emotions for no reason just because it’s how I am feeling in the moment and I never know why.

For a second I thought I was in control.

But truth is I will never be in control.

I will never be normal.

I will always feel things a bit more deeper than others, think things a bit more in depth than others, spiral a bit more than others.

Truth is I will always feel like there is something wrong with me. I will never feel normal like everyone else.

I will always be that person that needs to work a bit harder to control my thoughts and emotions or else I will go downhill in a matter of seconds.

And honestly?

I really don’t know how I feel about that.

The ones we love

I really don’t know how we got to where we are now.

Everything has changed; I have changed.

I’m so angry and bitter.

I’m so sad and heartbroken.

What matters does not matter because I am so fixated on all the negative that I am losing sight of what really matters; US.

Being with you has turned me into this person that I do not like; a person that I hate.

The problem is, that these feelings aren’t occurring because of you, per se, but it’s because of the people that you love.

I know we protect the ones that we love the most, but to what extent?

To what extent do we keep allowing the ones we love, to disrespect and hurt the one we love?

When do we decide enough is enough?

When do we take a step back and see what is really going on and put ourselves in our loves shoes, to really feel all the pain they are going through?

When?……

You think I’m miserable, fixated, angry, and delusional; But have you ever took a step back and really looked at me, and how happy, funny, intact, and fun I actually am when I am surrounded by people that genuinely love me and want to see me happy?

Or do you just focus on how I am, after 3 1/2 years of dealing and tolerating with unwanted drama and disrespect?

I know you say that you are not to blame, but if it were the other way around, wouldn’t I be the one to blame?

Wouldn’t it be my duty as your partner to make sure that the ones I love are respecting and honoring the one, I love?

Or would it not be my fault since I am not the one committing these actions? but of course, I will understand where you are coming from and how you feel, but I still want you to be around the people that have hurt you the most on MULTIPLE occasions and I wont confront them because I am too afraid of the outcome.

After all, these are the people closest to me and I love them dearly. I don’t want them to hurt with what I have to say and plus, I know they will make excuses and nothing will change. So why bother?

Is that what you would want from me? The bare minimum?

Or would you want me to fight!? Fight for our love and happiness.

Would you want me to prove to you that I love you more than anything and I would never let anyone disrespect you, because them disrespecting you is disrespecting me, and I will not allow it.

I will not allow for you to feel like you do not matter when you mean the world to me.

I will not allow you to cry because someone that I love has hurt your feelings, when all you try to do is get them to love you too.

I will not allow for anyone to make you feel less than or unimportant because it would break my heart knowing that the ones I love, and claim to love me right back, are doing this to you with no remorse or care.

If they really loved me wouldn’t they back off and do anything for me, which means do anything for you?

I thought that’s how love worked.

I thought we do anything possible to see the ones we love happy, even if it means making certain sacrifices.

I mean is that not what I have been doing for you all these years? Sacrificing my happiness for yours? Sacrificing how I feel for the people you love? Sacrificing my heart and soul just to show you that I love you?

Only in return, to be filled with hate and anger.

Only to feel, alone and hurt.

Only to allow this heinous cycle to continue, with no consequence.

Is that not enough?

Or do you prefer for me to shrivel and wither away? until I have nothing left to give, until I AM NOTHING.

Isn’t that what you do for love?

For the ones we love?

Now you tell me.

Love, Peace, and Happiness

Sometimes I just want to disappear.

I want to get away from everyone and everything. Every single person that makes me feel like my presence does not matter. Every single person that always makes me feel like a piece of crap. Every single person that makes me think terrible things.

I don’t want to be here anymore.

I’m so sick and tired of feeling misunderstood.

I just want to close my eyes and end up somewhere else.

Alone.

Alone in a beautiful small beach town; living in a small cottage. I’ll ride my bike to work, with the view of the beach to the left of me, as I head into work and the view of the beach to the right of me, as I go home.

My job will be a small little shop with all of my photography. Tourists will come in and be fascinated with the place that I call home and will stop and stare in awe, at all of my art work.

I wont have to deal with anyone that stresses me or makes me feel sad. I wont have anyone making me feel like I’m not good enough, like I’m unworthy.

I wont have anxiety and I wont have depression.

I’ll be a new person. Someone that I’ll actually like and love.

I’ll be happy.

Happy with my life; happy with me.

I’ll live my best life.

No pain.

No regrets.

No disappointment.

Just love, peace, and happiness.

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Worthy

Am I worthy?

Am I worthy of you? worthy of him? worthy of this life?

Am I worthy to have you love me ever so deeply and look at me to protect you, to love you back?

Am I worthy of your love for me? or will I just disappoint you the way I constantly disappoint myself?

Will I be punished for the sins I have committed or will God see it in his heart to forgive me the way I haven’t, the way I don’t think I ever can?

Will you forgive me for my sins or will you hate me and the person that I’ve become?

Will you love me even then? Love me through it all?

Will you still want me to protect you and look after you?

Love you?

Can I be worthy?

Can I be worthy of you? Worthy of him? Worthy of this life?

Can I be worthy to have you love me ever so deeply and look at me to protect you, to love you back?

Can I be worthy of your love for me? or will I just disappoint you the way I constantly disappoint myself?

Will I ever be worthy?

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Back Again….

It’s sad to say that I call myself a writer and I haven’t written in over a year. I always say that my best writings are when I’m sad and I can’t seem to write anything good when I’m happy, which is exactly what I have been happy.

I met a prince, fell in love and lived happily ever after! Im totally just kidding ha! But! I DID meet MY prince and I am in love and I am living happily.

I no longer go on wondering every single day when will be the day that someone will look at me and finally SEE me; when will they finally love me.

I have it all.

But still;

I wake up every single morning wondering what is wrong with me? I wonder why my mind can’t stop working for one second and just not think of anything.

I wake up every single morning terrified that maybe he will change his mind and leave.

I wake up every single morning wondering if I am good enough because I don’t feel like I am.

All everyone tells me is “You’re young and beautiful, you have it all; BE HAPPY

But I am aren’t I?

I am happy but I’m also terrified of the unknown. I am terrified of not knowing what will happen in the future.

I have no control and it kills me.

I wake up every single morning with my heart pounding out of my chest, unable to breathe; anticipating that something bad is going to happen.

That’s all I do. I sit and wait; sit and anticipate the unknown.

Just waiting….

Waiting for IT to happen; But what exactly is IT?

Well I guess you can never really run from it, because here it is.

It’s back again.